To the profound disappointment of crazy-watchers everywhere, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has announced that she will not be seeking re-election to a fifth term in 2014.

Of course this decision has nothing to do with pending ethics investigations against her, or the fact that she only won re-election in 2012 by around 4,000 votes against the same opponent — hotelier Jim Graves — who would be running against her again. Uh-uh. Total coincidence. It’s not as if Michele Bachmann has any desire to have the power to control people’s lives, so why in the world would she want another term in Congress?

Be that as it may, we still find ourselves in the sad position of having to bid adieu to the faux freedom-loving, comically fact-challenged Minnesota congresswoman whose trophy cabinet contains more “Pants on Fire” awards from PolitiFact than anyone else besides Mitt Romney. While we know there’s more than enough derangement on the right to fill her almost-weekly spot in our roundup of Conservative Crazy, we’ll still miss having her around. Although hastily getting out of politics — and under a similarly “coincidental” cloud of ethics investigations — sure didn’t shut Sarah Palin up any.

So here’s our affectionate sendoff to the undisputed Queen Bee of Batsh*t Crazy — five of her most unhinged utterances, in no particular order.

Obamacare Literally Kills!

Back in March, Bachmann delivered a characteristically bizarre speech on the House floor, claiming that Obamacare will actually kill people if we don’t hurry up and get it repealed, and calling Medicaid a “ghetto”: a claim The Christian Science Monitorcharacterized as “nuclear.”

“Let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens,” Bachmann whined melodramatically. “Let’s not do that. Let’s love people. Let’s care about people. Let’s repeal it now while we can.”

That last bit you really need to watch to understand just how creepy — and hypocritical — this woman can be.

Democrats Are To Blame For Swine Flu

Four years ago, the United States was in the grip of a swine flu epidemic, the likes of which had not been seen since 1976. Leave it to Michele Bachmann to put two and two together and get “Democrats.”

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter,” she harumphed. “And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

Yes, yes it is. Very interesting indeed. Because in 1976 — all of 1976, in fact — we had a Republican president, Gerald Ford. Jimmy Carter did not assume office until January, 1977. But it’s OK. She wasn’t blaming President Obama. She was only asking questions.

The Media Should Go On a Witch-Hunt In Congress

Proving that Republicans learned nothing at all from McCarthyism, Michele Bachmann appeared on MSNBC’s Hardball in 2008, to incoherently rant and rave about then-candidate Barack Obama’s supposed ties to “radical leftists.”

The conversation veered sharply into Loonyville when the congresswoman suggested that the media investigate every member of both chambers, and do an “exposé” on those who hold “anti-America” views.

“…the news media should do a penetrating exposé and take a look,” said Bachmann to a gobsmacked Chris Matthews. “I wish they would. I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-America or anti-America? I think people would love to see an exposé like that.”

Because yeah, that turned out so well the first time.

As A Child, ‘Founding Father’ John Quincy Adams Worked To End Slavery

It’s hard to pick just one of America-loving Constitutional scholar Michele Bachmann’s historical blunders. Declaring the shot heard ’round the world at Lexington and Concord as having taken place in New Hampshire was a good one. But her best example of not knowing her bleep from her elbow about American history came in 2011, when she insisted that the slave-owning Founding Fathers “worked tirelessly to end slavery” — a claim that she not only doubled down on but took a ridiculous step further in a conversation with an incredulous George Stephanopolous:

Bachmann: Well if you look at one of our Founding Fathers, John Quincy Adams, that’s absolutely true. He was a very young boy when he was with his father serving essentially as his father’s secretary. He tirelessly worked throughout his life to make sure that we did in fact one day eradicate slavery…

Stephanopoulos: He wasn’t one of the Founding Fathers – he was a president, he was a Secretary of State, he was a member of Congress, you’re right he did work to end slavery decades later. But so you are standing by this comment that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery?

Bachmann: Well, John Quincy Adams most certainly was a part of the Revolutionary War era. He was a young boy but he was actively involved.

Can’t you just picture it, little eight-year-old John Quincy Adams “actively involved” in ending slavery, nearly a hundred years before it was actually debated? We sure can.

The HPV Vaccine Causes ‘Mental Retardation’

Throwing around the “R word” was only part of this particular Bachmann descent into madness. In September, 2011, the congresswoman asserted on the Today show that the HPV vaccine causes “mental retardation” in young girls… because a woman approached her after a GOP debate and said so.

“She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection. And she suffered from mental retardation thereafter,” Bachmann recalled. “The mother was crying when she came up to me last night. I didn’t know who she was before the debate. This is the very real concern and people have to draw their own conclusions.”

The American Academy of Pediatrics drew its own conclusions and was appalled, quickly issuing a statement of its own refuting Bachmann’s insane claim.