No one can deny that Donald Trump has a way with words—maybe not a way that is elegant or well informed, but one that is undoubtedly all his own.
The GOP candidate has leaned on a staggering number of buzzwords throughout his campaign, imbuing established terms with coded or even opposite meanings. In special cases, he’s even coined brand new phrases. It can be dizzying to wrap your head around this curious new dialect, so we at The National Memo compiled this handy dictionary of basic Trumpese to help you figure out what The Donald is really talking about:
America (noun) – a nation in the Western Hemisphere that used to be really great back before streetcars and universal suffrage were invented
Bald (adjective) – having little or no hair*
*(Editor’s note: This entry has been deemed unnecessary and deleted by official Trumpese linguists, who also request that you continue scrolling down and do not return to this particular definition.)
Bankruptcy (noun) – a clever financial tactic by which a very handsome businessman gathers up his failures and makes them someone else’s problem
Bigly 1. (adverb) – an indisputably real word meaning huge (alt: yuge) or to a large extent 2. (noun) – a more efficient way of saying “big league” that important businessmen use to save time
Birth certificate (noun) – an identifying document that all non-white Americans carry at all times, unless they happen to be secret terrorists
China 1. (noun) – a shifty-eyed country across the Pacific that sneaks into America at night and steals our jobs 2. (noun) a filler word, useful in speeches, when you do not have anything of substance to say
Crooked (adjective) – having all the proper experience and qualifications for an executive governmental position
Fire (verb) – to take away a loser’s job on national television because he or she, unlike you, is not the best
Hands 1. (noun) — a disgusting body part that you should never shake 2. (noun) an appendage at the end of the arm primarily used to measure one’s massive genitalia
Hero (noun) – an individual who makes it through a war without being killed or captured, oftentimes by never leaving the comfort of a penthouse apartment
Nuclear weapon (noun) – an apocalyptic device that the commander-in-chief can threaten to use whenever he wants in order to make the best deals
Politically incorrect (adjective) – a style of conscience-free language that uses Freedom of Speech to justify shouting racial slurs and mocking the disabled
Protest 1. (noun) — a stinky herd of jobless losers who deserve to get punched in the face 2. (verb) to express disapproval of the government in a way that will hopefully be illegal soon
Rigged (adjective) — describing circumstances that, for whatever reason, do not work out in your favor
Russia 1. (noun) the personal estate of all-around great guy Vladimir Putin 2. (noun) A really helpful IT service that specializes in digging up old emails
Sad! (adjective) – not being the best, because there can only be one best, and I have always been the best, meaning that you will never be the best, which is just plain sad
Sarcasm (noun) – an excuse for passing off a controversial statement as a joke even though you totally meant it
Second Amendment (noun) – the portion of the Constitution that upholds one’s unalienable right to encourage the murder of political rivals
Tax return (noun) – a detailed report of an individual’s income and expenses that you can ignore if you are rich and powerful enough
Truth-teller (noun) — a person who speaks authentically and from the heart by shouting out whatever malarkey* he wants to
*For more on malarkey, see The Comprehensive Guide to Bidenisms
Wall (noun) – a vertical barrier, costing the American public billions of dollars, along the U.S.-Mexico border designed to prevent the spread of melanin and hard workers
