Trumpworld survivors know that good optics are the cardinal rule with the big guy – second only to successfully executing open-air corruption.

Thick-browed Pete Hegseth is nothing if not a Trumpworld survivor – for now anyway. We expect the day will come when this Fox Weekend chest-beater, currently running a real war involving the smoking ruin of U.S. bases, death and global havoc, is finally thrown under the bus.

Hegseth arrived as a Trump nominee plagued by alcohol abuse and roofie-rape allegations. Once confirmed, he delivered exactly the performance the White House reality show casting director wanted. He dubbed himself “War Secretary,” and, with a cartoonish strut, became a walking case study in steroid overuse.

A warrior caricature is as essential to the Trump show as Betty Boop femininity. But when Trump faced the greatest real challenge of his presidency – the forced release of the Epstein files in January 2026 – he needed extras as backup.

Enter Hegseth’s three social media influencers, riding to the rescue. Between them, these Three Musketeers have a combined one million X followers, more fans on podcasts and TV, and, as it turns out, Trump government positions too.

The Washington Post’s Dan Lamothe broke this delicious story (he also revealed the airport food cart caper and is one reason to maintain your Wapo subscription – despite Bezos, the place still has great, well-sourced journalists on staff).

Lamothe did not report on the substance of the trio’s social media activities in relation to the Epstein files, but the timeline speaks for itself. About a week after the files were released, Hegseth announced he was cutting Pentagon ties with Harvard and creating a task force to review military war colleges and other academic institutions. He staffed this woke-hunting task force with the aforementioned trio of former military men turned right-wing social media figures. They were given civil service acronyms – HQE (Highly Qualified Expert) or SGE (Special Government Employee) – and “.civ” government emails. The Pentagon refused to tell Lamothe whether, or how much, they were paid, or what their jobs were or how long they would be in them.

Retired Air Force colonel Kurt Schlichter, a popular right-wing flame-throwing trial lawyer, Townhall columnist, and former standup comic, is probably the best known of the three. He has 620,000 X followers whose favorite word – judging by their enthusiastic, if often grammatically incorrect, replies to his posts – is “retarded.”

Schlichter, a self-proclaimed “major influencer,” is a reliable source of MAGA snark on Fox, Newsmax, and beyond, having been around since Andrew Breitbart hired him years ago. Whether he’s still actively practicing law is anyone’s guess – his name is no longer on his firm’s website (he was still listed as recently as June).

In a crowd of surly manosphere influencers, though, Schlichter’s woman problem stands out as particularly… acute. He rarely misses a chance to trash females.

Responding to former U.S. Attorney Barb McQuade, he wrote: “Frigid wine women fear and loathe the things of men. This is why they should be patted on their empty heads and directed to the kitchen to prepare sandwiches” (you might recall that “make me a sandwich” is a rape-propaganda Tate Brothers meme spewed at female teachers by brainwashed preteen boys).

Schlichter has also called Democratic political women “fat, ugly and retarded” and liberal white women “an abomination.”

Given this penchant, it’s no surprise that he frequently dismisses Epstein’s victims as “hookers” or prostitutes and liars. From his very first comments on the files – in the form of a ranting YouTube video – he cited his experience as a trial lawyer, called the case “lies” and “nonsense,” and, apropos of nothing, mentioned that his mother is a judge. Unlike Hegseth’s mother, Kurt’s mommy has yet to weigh in on her son’s radical misogyny. He has repeatedly called those interested in the Epstein case “retarded.” He insists there is “no global sex trafficking ring.” and that he, along with former Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY), “is laughing at how stupid” people are for believing there is.

The second Musketeer, is another former colonel and civilian lawyer named Thomas R. Anderson, who has racked up 320,000 followers on X under the nom de guerre Cynical Publius. As the files came out, Publius too shifted right on cue to slamming the Epstein case. There is no “there there,” he whined in one tweet. Some other greatest hits include: “We know everything there is to know;” There is “very little” in the files; Reps. Thomas Massie and Ro Khanna are “narcissistic charlatans bent on harming Donald Trump;” “Trump was the first person to report [Epstein] to the police” (despite not having a shred of evidence to back that up); and our personal favorite, “There is no ‘Epstein List.’”. Anderson/Publius also claimed that making any Trump and Epstein connection was defamatory and slanderous.

Mississippi-based podcaster Rob Maness, the third Musketeer with a Pentagon HQE title, spent months calling for the release of the Epstein files. But on the day the Wall Street Journal dropped its story on Trump’s contribution to Epstein’s 50th birthday book, Maness abruptly reversed course. After firing off two final tweets on July 17, 2025, he never mentioned Epstein again: