Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:

5. Bryan Fischer

Bryan Fischer makes his customary appearance on the list at number five this week, for his unique take on the Cheney family feud.

For those who missed it, Wyoming U.S. Senate candidate Liz Cheney angered her sister Mary this week, by reaffirming her opposition to marriage equality. Mary Cheney and her wife, Heather Poe, have been married since 2012.

According to Fischer, however, Liz Cheney did nothing wrong — but Mary Cheney is at fault, for refusing to allow her sister to discriminate against her family. That makes her, as Fischer so eloquently put it, an “intolerant lesbian bigot.”

If only every victim of the Cheney family could take a lesson from Harry Wittington, and apologize for getting in their way.

4. Larry Klayman

For months, This Week In Crazy has eagerly anticipated Larry Klayman’s planned coup against the White House. And on Tuesday, the big day finally arrived.

So did Klayman bring “millions to occupy Washington D.C.” and force the president to “put the Quran down, get up off [his] knees and come out with [his] hands up?” Not exactly.

Yes, Klayman’s coup fell about 999,900 protesters short of its goal. And, of course, President Obama remains in office. But hey, at least they made some fun signs!

For more on Klayman’s Million Not Racists March, go to Right Wing Watch.

3. Charles C.W. Cooke

Klayman wasn’t the only one with overthrowing the government on his mind this week. On Thursday afternoon, National Review columnist Charles C.W. Cooke joined Fox News’ Gretchen Carlson to discuss the Senate’s filibuster reform. He did not take the rule change well.

According to Cooke, President Obama has decreed that “the American business is far too important for the rules.” How far will he take his new power to appoint lower-court judges without clearing an arbitrary 60-vote threshold?

“You could just ignore the House,” Cooke said. “You could have a military coup, you could have anything at the end of this.”

I’ll bet Larry Klayman wishes someone had told him that open season for coups would start just two days after his rally.

For the record: No, changing the filibuster will not lead to a military junta (and while we’re at it, someone tell Cooke that the “nuclear option” does not involve actual nuclear weapons).

2. Jerry Boykin

Jerry Boykin, a retired lieutenant general who currently serves as executive vice president of the Family Research Council, checks in at number two for his…detailed depiction of what he thinks Jesus Christ actually looked like.

In a speech that was uncovered by Right Wing Watch on Monday, Boykin declared that Jesus was “a man’s man” who has been “feminized” by the church.

“Do you think he looked like the effeminate picture that we always see of him?” Boykin asked. “He didn’t look like that. He had big ole calluses over his hands, right? I imagine he probably lost a nail or two, he probably hit it with a hammer or something.”

“You think his biceps weren’t big bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arm, thin waist, strong shoulders from lifting?” the anti-gay hate group leader continued. “He smelled bad! Why? Because he sweated, he worked. You think I’m sacrilegious because I said Jesus smelled bad? No, he was a man! He was a man’s man.”

Video of his “sermon” is below (although, sadly, it does not show the audience shifting uncomfortably in their seats).


1. Allen West

This week’s “winner” is former congressman and permant whacko bird Allen West, who on Wednesday shared the horrible truth about Obamacare:

Oprah may have inadvertently revealed the real reason for the government takeover of health care: “racist cleansing” http://t.co/yBmZqkKXEJ

— Allen West (@AllenWest) November 20, 2013

The cryptic tweet leads to a post on West’s website — helpfully tagged “racisim” [sic] — in which author Michele Hickford explains how Oprah Winfrey accidentally gave away the health care reform game:

So the cuts in Medicare, leading to fewer doctors treating seniors, leading to a reduction in access to care and therefore the rationing of care itself is part and parcel of the grand plan to actually hasten the death of all the old, white racists.

“There’s just one problem with this grand plan,” the article continues — 60 percent of voters under 30 voted for President Obama.

“Now more than half view him negatively. If they’re racists as well, does that mean these young people also need to die as well?” Is the author suggesting that racism is the only reason to disapprove of President Obama? Is Michele Hickford a racist? I’m just asking questions.

In any case, if President Obama is really trying to cleanse the nation of racists, presumably Allen West himself will be one of the first to go.

Check out previous editions of This Week In Crazy here. Think we missed something? Let us know in the comments!