Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,”  The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:

5. Allen West

Former Florida representative and current professional doomsday-sayer Allen West kicked off CPAC 2013 Thursday with a characteristically deranged diagnosis of the current political climate.

“I’m speaking from experience when I tell you that there is nothing on this green earth that a liberal progressive fears more than a black American who wants a better life and a smaller government,” West declared, before comparing the Obama administration to the Civil War, the Great Depression, and Nazi Germany.

Based on the results of the 2012 election, West is probably wrong about liberals fearing the likes of him, Herman Cain, Alan Keyes, and the rest of the 6 percent of black voters who cast their ballots for Mitt Romney. On the contrary, Republicans should probably fear West becoming their self-appointed ambassador to the black community.

4. Ben Shapiro

In the aftermath of the Republican Party’s devastating defeat in the 2012 elections, the right-wing media has taken the lead in suggesting a path for the party’s political revival. Unfortunately for the GOP, that advice has ranged from unhelpful to delusional.

Breitbart News Editor-At-Large Ben Shapiro’s advice definitely fits the latter description. According to Shapiro, Mitt Romney lost for only one reason: He didn’t criticize President Obama enough.

“Barack Obama painted Mitt Romney as the worst guy since Stalin,” Shapiro told Pat Robertson during a Wednesday appearance on The 700 Club, before suggesting that the GOP should copy his tactics.

“I think [Republicans] need to stop arguing policy,” Shapiro continued. “Republicans need to do as President Obama suggested: They need to punch back twice as hard.”

Shapiro later added that if Republicans are accused of racism, they should respond using the time-tested “I know you are, but what am I?” defense. With brilliant minds like Shapiro and Allen West in charge, the GOP’s image will surely be improved in no time.

3. Tim Griffin

Say what you will about Shapiro’s ridiculous advice for the Republican Party, but at least he’s trying to look to the future. Representative Tim Griffin (R-AR), on the other hand, is still obsessing over the 2012 campaign’s stupidest debate: “Obamaphones.”

Back in September, right-wing news site Drudge Report stirred up Republicans by linking to a video of a woman claiming that President Obama had bought her vote with a free cell phone. Although the phone actually came via a Reagan-era program called “Lifeline,” which aims to ensure that the very poor have access to phones so they can make emergency calls, the inane “Obamaphone” meme was born.

Now, six months later, Griffin is finally trying to do something about it — by teaming up with This Week In Crazy regular Michele Bachmann.

Thanks to @michelebachmann for cosponsoring my bill to end the government’s free cell phone program! griffin.house.gov/lifeline #ar2 #Lifeline

— Rep. Tim Griffin (@RepTimGriffin) March 12, 2013

Presumably, once this is settled, Griffin will commence work on stopping Jeep from moving its Ohio factories to China.

2. Louie Gohmert

Unhinged Texas representative Louie Gohmert helped set the tone at CPAC 2013 by giving the crowd a lesson in right-wing alternate history.

“I’m not going to debate the merits of whether we should or should not have gone to Vietnam, but what I will tell you is, Vietnam was winnable, but people in Washington decided we would not win it!” Gohmert declared to tepid applause from the presumably confused crowd.

“You stupid Americans,” Gohmert claims the Vietcong said at the time. “Don’t you know, if you had bombed us for one more week, we would’ve had to surrender unconditionally?”

Gohmert later went on to explain that most of America’s foreign policy problems were caused by Jimmy Carter.

1. Erik Rush

This week’s “winner” is right-wing conspiracy theorist Erik Rush, who went on Alan Colmes’ radio show last Friday to defend his paranoid ravings.

According to Rush, Obama is a “Marxist dictator” who is planning to impose martial law and cancel the 2016 election so he can stay in office. When Colmes pressed Rush on how likely this scenario is, Rush replied “Oh geez… I dunno, I’d say 50 percent.”

If it’s any consolation to Colmes, this was only the second-craziest interview that he’s taken part in this month.