Janitors conjuring the powers of God, the end of democracy as we know it, and Trump lovers make love in the name of hate. No, this isn’t a night on the town with the Proud Boys. It’s This Week in Crazy!

5. Ross Douthat

The New York Times is usually President Trump’s favorite brand of toilet paper, but he may want to actually read Ross Douthat’s column before he wipes. The columnist claims that White Anglo Saxon Protestant (WASP) leaders are more successful than their “more meritocratic, diverse and secular successors.” Oh yeah, Douthat DID that.

Douthat’s buzzing about WASPs was inspired by the passing of the Episcopalian Caucasian superman, George H.W. Bush. Tripping down the memory lane of white privilege, Douthat credited WASPs for the success of blacks and Jews. He even went so far as to suggest that both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney “imitated WASP habits.” Ouch. 

4. Christy Edwards Lawton

Even haters need love. That’s what entrepreneur Christy Edwards Lawton thought when she saw a woman alone in a New York bar. A confused Lawton described that woman as “stunning,” and wondered, why are men respecting such a beautiful woman?

To see why no one was drooling over this beauty, Lawton asked, discovering to her delight that the woman is a Trump supporter. Apparently, that’s a turn-off to hipsters and men parading around the city’s Meat Packing District in glitter.

This experience got Christy Edwards Lawton thinking about the evening when Sarah Sanders was refused service in a Virginia restaurant.  

See, Virginia is for lovers so it all clicked for Lawton. The would-be matchmaker for decided to start a Tinder for Trump supporters. That’s right, now it’s easier for Trump lovers to come together and spread their…anger.

The name of her project, expected to launch next month, is “Righter.”  With a name like that, it couldn’t go wronger.

3. Scott Walker

In typical GOP fashion, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is handling his midterm election defeat by Tony Evers like a true crybaby. With two months left in office, Walker rushed the appointment of 82 members to civil service jobs. The departing governor supported his decision by stating: “Members of the Legislature were elected not on a term that ended on Election Day —they were elected in a term that ends in January, just like my term ends in January.”

Of course, Walker derided exactly this logic when he defeated Jim Doyle in 2010. In fact, his press release about the subject still lives on his official website. By pushing his agenda through, new laws will limit in-person early-voting to two weeks. Also, Wisconsin Senate members can now find their own lawyers to pursue the state’s withdrawal from Obamacare. That means incoming Attorney General Josh Kaul, a Democrat, will have a hard time keeping Wisconsin in the health care program — depriving hundreds of thousands of families of coverage.

2. Dana Perino

Here’s a novel defense for the president: “It’s not obstruction of justice if we do it right in front of your eyes.” That’s the position now advocated by Dana Perino of Fox News, responding to those who consider the President’s tweet lauding Roger Stone as an obstruction of justice. After all, the “most powerful man in the world” is commenting about a federal investigation on a public forum.

“I mean can you actually obstruct justice if you’re not doing it in secret?” asked Perino innocently.

1. Georgian Banov

Now it’s time to call in the police van. President Trump asked “Prophet” Georgian Banov to bless each door in the White House. Like a great servant (of God that it is), religious musician and “healer” Banov worked hard, anointing every opening for over 11 hours.

Originally, Trump reached out to Washington prophet Bill Johnson and asked him, “Hey, you got some of that oil stuff?” That didn’t work out.) But Banov showed up, dressed as a janitor so he wouldn’t distract White House staffers. Evidently the presence of a strange man dressed in janitor clothes throwing oil at doorways left them unfazed.