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alex jones

How 'The Onion' And Sandy Hook Families Punked Alex Jones

The Onion just bought Alex Jones' conspiracy-pedaling platform Infowars, according to reports.

CNN correspondent Hadas Gold delivered this apparently real news Thursday morning confirmed by the New York Times and an editorial from the satirical news outlet's owner Bryce P. Tetraeder, CEO of Global Tetrahedron.

"Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market," wrote Tetraeder.

"And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice."

Gold and the New York Times report that the Onion ate InfoWars with backing from several families of victims of the Sandy Hook mass shooting who successfully sued Jones for nearly $1.5 billion in defamation damages.

Jones, who notoriously spread a conspiracy theory claiming their children's deaths had been faked, was forced to declare bankruptcy and liquidate assets.

The Times reports the Onion bought Infowars in a bankruptcy auction. Jones confirmed InfoWars was being shut down and taken over by the Onion in a video comment.

"I don't know what's going to happen," Jones said. "They want to silence the American people."

On Thursday, Tetraeder provided Onion readers with answers — in classic Onion style.

"InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses," he wrote. "With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal."

Tetraeder praised InfoWars for what he described as their commitment to inducing rage and radicalizing vulnerable Americans. He then took two direct jabs at Jones by boasting of the price he'd paid for Inforwars and quipping he'd forgotten his name.

"No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds," Tetraeder wrote. "And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars."

The future looks uncertain for Infowars but Tetraeder had a slew of suggestions for possible future investments, among them business school scholarships for promising cult leaders and a program to pair orphans with factory jobs.

"As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately," Tetraeder wrote. "We plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal."

Reprinted with permission from Alternet.

Donald Trump

'This Man Cannot Shut Up': Trump Headed Toward Judicial Gag Order (VIDEO)

The judge in Donald Trump’s Jan. 6 election conspiracy case is likely to issue a gag order in response to the former president’s incendiary rhetoric, a legal expert said Monday.

Retired California Superior Court Judge LaDoris Hazzard Cordell, during an appearance on CNN’s “The Source with Kaitlan Collins,” said one of the former president’s social media posts in particular was “clearly a threat.”

Cordell’s comments came in response to a question from Collins over whether Trump’s all-caps Truth Social post on Friday in which hewrote "IF YOU GO AFTER ME, I’M COMING AFTER YOU!" would likely influence Judge Tanya Chutkan’s decision over whether to issue a protective order.

“I don't know necessarily that that quote impacts the protective order, but that certainly would get me thinking if I were the trial judge about a gag order in this case,” Cordell said.

“It's clearly a threat, and a good trial judge doesn't just look at the law, you use common sense.”

Cordell said the timing of Trump’s post, the day after he was arraigned, would also likely figure into how a judge would look at the rhetoric.

Cordell said she believes a gag order is likely and that “my guess is Trump would violate it in a heartbeat and then we'll see what the judge does in terms of consequences for violating yet another court order.”

Seeking clarification, Collins asked: “So you think there will be a gag order here? At least you think that there should be?”

“I absolutely can see it coming because this man cannot shut up. He's a ‘chatty Charlie’ and he's going to just talk and talk and he really doesn't care about rules that say you can speak or cannot speak,” Cordell said.

“So this is where the test of a good trial judge comes about. If you're going to have a fair trial, it's going to be by the rules set by that person in the black robe. And if the rules are you do not talk about this other than in the court, because it's not punishment it's to ensure fair trial. If that doesn't happen, there have to be immediate consequences to violating a court order.

“Only in that way can everyone have respect for the system.”

Watch the video below or click here.

Reprinted with permission from Alternet.

Alvin Bragg

'I'm Going To Kill You': Menacing Note, White Powder Sent To Manhattan D.A.

A white powder was found in an envelope addressed to "Alvin" in the mailroom at 80 Centre Street, where a grand jury has been hearing evidence in the case of former President Donald Trump, according to ABC News.

The powder was determined to be non-hazardous, but the intent behind sending it is unclear, sources told ABC News.

According to NBC News, the envelope also contained a letter with the message: "ALVIN: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Republicans have accused Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg of waging a "politically motivated prosecution" of former President Donald Trump.

Bragg is investigating a $130,000 payment to pornographic actress Stormy Daniels in the weeks leading up to the 2016 presidential election.

The payment was allegedly made to stop her from going public about a liaison she says she had with Trump years earlier.

Trump's ex-lawyer-turned-adversary Michael Cohen, who has testified before the grand jury, says he made the payment on his then boss's behalf and was later reimbursed.

If not properly accounted for, the payment could result in a misdemeanor charge for falsifying business records, experts say.

That might be raised to a felony if the false accounting was intended to cover up a second crime, such as a campaign finance violation, which is punishable by up to four years behind bars.

Trump insists he is innocent, and has escalated his attacks on Bragg in recent days. Early Friday morning, the former president warned of "death & destruction" if he were to be charged with a crime.

With additional reporting by AFP

Reprinted with permission from Alternet.