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Trump's Secret Mar-A-Lago Files: The Unanswered Questions

Trump's Secret Mar-A-Lago Files: The Unanswered Questions

  • 1.Why did Trump choose to hide certain specific files and not others at Mar-a-Lago? What were the criteria that Trump used to keep some files concealed and not others? Who selected those files? Did Trump consult or direct anyone in his selection of secret files? Trump was notorious for being too impatient to read his briefing papers, even after they had been drastically shortened and simplified. Is there the slightest evidence that he spirited these papers away so that he could consult or study them? Who besides Trump knew of the presence of the files he had concealed at Mar-a-Lago?
  • 2. Mar-a-Lago has an infamous reputation for being open to penetration even by foreign spies. In 2019, the FBI arrested a Chinese woman who had entered the property with electronic devices. She was convicted of trespassing, lying to the Secret Service, and sentenced and served eight-months in a federal prison, before being deported to China. Have other individuals with possible links to foreign intelligence operations been present at Mar-a-Lago?
  • 3. Did members of Trump's Secret Service detail have knowledge of his secret storage of the files at Mar-a-Lago? What was the relationship of the Secret Service detail to the FBI? Did the Secret Service, or any agent, disclose information about the files to the FBI?
  • 4. Trump's designated representatives to the National Archives are Kash Patel and John Solomon, co-conspirators in the investigations into Russian interference in the presidential election of 2016, the Ukraine missiles-for-political dirt scandal that led to the first impeachment in 2019, and the coup of 2020. Neither has any professional background in handling archival materials. Patel, a die-hard Trump loyalist whose last job in the administration was as chief of staff to the Acting Secretary of Defense, was supposedly involved in Trump’s “declassification” of some files. Patel has stated, “Trump declassified whole sets of materials in anticipation of leaving government that he thought the American public should have the right to read themselves."
  • The White House counsel failed to generate the paperwork to change the classification markings, but that doesn’t mean the information wasn’t declassified.” If Pat Cipollone, the White House legal counsel, did not “generate the paperwork,” was he or anyone on his staff aware at all of the declassifications? The White House Staff Secretary Derek Lyons resigned his post in December 2020. Did his successor, who held the position for a month, while Trump was consumed with plotting his coup, ever review the material found in Trump’s concealed files for declassification? Or did Patel review the material? Can Patel name any individual who properly reviewed the supposed declassification?
  • 5. Why did Trump keep his pardon of Roger Stone among his secret files? Was it somehow to maintain leverage over Stone? What would that leverage be? Would it involve Stone's role as a conduit with the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers during the coup? Or is there another pardon in Trump’s files for Stone, a secret pardon for his activities in the January 6th insurrection? Because of the sweeping nature of the pardon clause, pardons can remain undisclosed (until needed). Pardons are self-executing, require no justification and are not subject to court review beyond the fact of their timely execution. In other words, a court may verify the pardon was valid in time but has no power to review appropriateness. A pardon could even be oral but would need to be verifiable by a witness. Do the files contain secret pardons for Trump himself, members of his family, members of the Congress, and other co-conspirators?
  • 6.Was the FBI warrant obtained to block the imminent circulation or sale of information in the files to foreign powers? Does the affidavit of the informant at Mar-a-Lago, which has not been released, provide information about Trump’s monetization that required urgency in executing the warrant? Did Trump monetize information in any of the files? How? With whom? Any foreign power or entity? Was the Saudi payment from its sovereign wealth fund for the LIV Golf Tournament at Trump’s Bedminster Golf Club for a service that Trump rendered, an exchange of anything of value or information that was in the files? If it involved information in the files was it about nuclear programs? Was it about the nuclear program of Israel? How much exactly was the Saudi payment for the golf tournament? The Saudi sovereign wealth fund gave Jared Kushner and former Trump Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin $2 billion for their startup hedge fund, Affinity Partners. Do the Saudis regard that investment as partial payment for Trump’s transfer of nuclear information? Were Kushner or Mnuchin aware of the secret files at Mar-a-Lago?
  • 7.Did Trump destroy any of the files? If so, when? Did those files contain incriminating information? Did he destroy any files after he received the June subpoena?
  • 8.Were any of the secrets of our allies compromised? Has the U.S. government provided an inventory of breaches or potential breaches to our allies?
  • 9.Does the resort maintain a copying machine near the classified documents that Trump hid? Were any of the documents copied or scanned? Are Trump’s documents at Mar-a-Lago originals or copies? Were any copies shown or given to anyone?
  • 10.Trump’s lawyer Christina Bobb has revealed that a video surveillance system covers the places where Trump hid the files at Mar-a-Lago, and that the system is connected to a system at his other residences at the Bedminster Golf Club in New Jersey and Trump Tower in New York City. According to Bobb, Trump and members of his family observed the FBI search and seizure of his files at Mar-a-Lago, “actually able to see the whole thing” through their surveillance system. Who has that surveillance system recorded entering the rooms where the files were kept?
'Team Normal': A One-Act Play

'Team Normal': A One-Act Play

Scene 1:

The study at the Bedminster Golf Club. Donald Trump is meeting with a visitor, his former international trade advisor and January 6th co-conspirator, Peter Navarro.

TRUMP: Jared’s memoir? No, not going to read it, Peter. Nope, not a snowball’s chance in Hell’s Kitchen.

PETER NAVARRO: That thyroid cancer thing, that came out of nowhere. I saw the guy every day. There's no sign that he was in any pain or danger or whatever. I think it’s just a ploy to get sympathy to try to sell his book. Fake news. Did you know, Mr. President?

TRUMP: Maybe.

NAVARRO: Did Ivanka talk to you about it?

TRUMP: I don’t recall. You know, Peter, that’s a better answer than the Fifth Amendment. You should consider it. Maybe you can’t recall whether Jared had cancer—and a few other things. The Green Bay Sweep, with the electors, I don’t recall. Doesn’t that feel better? Where did you get that Green Bay business? Why not the Tampa Bay touchdown? I told Jared that Tom Brady was after Ivanka.

NAVARRO: It’s in the book.

TRUMP: I said to Jared, “Why does she have to convert? Why don’t you convert?” Tom Brady, conversion is an extra point. Most people think I'm Jewish anyway. Most of my friends are Jewish. I have all these awards from the synagogues. They love me in Israel. I’ve got to hand it to Jared. Cancer works for him. You’re right, Peter, makes him more sympathetic, a victim, too. I beat Covid. Maybe I should say I beat cancer.

NAVARRO: Mr. President, did you have cancer?

TRUMP: Maybe. We’ll see if I need to have beaten it. The lawyers are negotiating with DOJ. Doctor Ronnie said I’m in the top ten percent of everyone my age. The golf, the rallies, the steak—top ten. Now take Rudy, in and out of the hospital. And the second wife—or is she the third? Remember the annulment? Not many people do. A cousin, second cousin, first wife, hard to keep track. But the second wife, really the third, wants a new chunk of change, another pound of flesh. Would Ivana have done that to me? Not in a million years. Best first wife.

NAVARRO: A remarkable woman.

TRUMP: If you have time, Peter, do down just past the first tee. Just the name and the years. Very, very tasteful. Classy.

(A youthful aide enters.)

AIDE: Mr. President, that caller you were expecting...

TRUMP: (To Navarro) Dinner later, the steak. Second term, the pardons. And, remember, I don’t recall. (Leads Navarro out and points toward the golf course) Just past the first tee.

Scene 2:

(Navarro exits. Trump picks up the phone to speak with Alex Jones.)

TRUMP: Hell of a performance at the trial, Alex. Are they going to put you in the witness protection program to protect you from your lawyer? If they can’t find you, you don’t have to pay.

ALEX JONES: Mr. President, the lawyer screwed up royally. Said the text messages and emails weren’t privileged. I am the one who should collect punitive damages.

TRUMP: Are you on the phone I told you to call on—the burner phone? And don’t give it to your lawyer when you’re done.

JONES: I’ve been accused of a lot of things, but not that stupid.

TRUMP: Well, I’ve been reading the coverage.

JONES: They got all my messages with Roger Stone!

TRUMP: Roger is someone you should have been studying. Roger always uses the burner when he calls me. Hanging with the Proud Boys, the Oath Keepers—stand by and stand back—burners. I’d use the phone of a Secret Service agent. Fail safe. I wonder where all those text messages went. They all disappeared except for yours, Alex.

JONES: Mr. President, we’re surrounded by traitors.

TRUMP: You watch those hearings? You see what I had to deal with. Team Normal, that’s what they call themselves now. They used to be the adults in the room. When I was giving political donations to Hillary and Chuck Schumer, and I was pro-abortion big-time, where was Team Normal? Abu Ghraib. And, now, they’re a bunch of crybabies.

JONES: Congratulations on beating Team Normal in the primaries! You belted them. What a lineup! Murderer’s Row.

TRUMP: J.D. Vance, Dr. Oz, Blake Masters, Kari Lake, Doug Mastriano, that Laxalt—how did they win? They all said the election was stolen. It’s not Team Normal’s party—and they can cry if they want to.

JONES: But it was stolen! Not a hoax!

TRUMP: Alex, you always tell it like it is.

JONES: Mitch McConnell is not too happy with your candidates beating his.

TRUMP: The Old Crow is going to eat more than crow. He says he doesn’t know if he’ll win the Senate. And they call him the smart one. He can’t see what’s happening in front of him. He doesn’t get it. None of the pundits get it. Team Normal, dumb as rocks.

JONES: So, what’s the strategy?

TRUMP: My candidates win the primaries—I win, McConnell loses. My candidates lose their elections—McConnell loses, I win. His dream is over. He’s finished. Beaten forever. Never majority leader again. Done and done. I win again. Who do they blame? Not me. They blame Mitch. They blame Team Normal. They’ll need me more than ever. Republicans lose the Senate and I’m the savior.

JONES: Genius.

TRUMP: Don’t forget to ditch the phone. Nobody will find it if you bury it at a golf course.

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His Angel ,andAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the fifteenth in "The Trump Cycle," his series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, The Exclusive, The Role Model, A Modest Proposal, The Exit Interview, The Hitler Gospel, Father Knows Best,The Gold Medal Winner, All I Want For Christmas Is Melania’s Non-Fungible Token, Puppet Theater, and Master Class.

Hitler Or Trump? 55 Chances To Test Your Knowledge Of The Fuhrer And The Furor

Hitler Or Trump? 55 Chances To Test Your Knowledge Of The Fuhrer And The Furor

Each of these statements applies to Donald Trump or Adolf Hitler -- or both. The correct answers may be found at the end.

1.His father was a cruel authoritarian.

2.His father was arrested participating in a violent rally of a racist political organization.

3.His father was born illegitimate, had an illegitimate daughter, divorced, married the housemaid, who died, and married his impregnated teenaged cousin.

4.His grandfather ran a whorehouse.

5.His father told him, “Be a killer.”

6.Threw rocks at a baby in a playpen.

7.Adored his mother, sobbed when he learned she was ill and was devastated at her death.

8.He had to be reminded by his siblings to visit his dying mother in the hospital.

9.Sexually obsessed with his niece, he controlled every aspect of her life, forced her to end her affair with his chauffeur, until she committed suicide.

10.Stole the inheritance of his brother, cut off his disabled nephew’s medical insurance and sued by his niece for fraud.

11.Doted on his pet dog.

12.Never had a pet.

13.Separate bedroom from his wife.

14.His wife said, “I want to be a beautiful corpse.”

15.His wife said, “I’m not only a beauty, I’m smart.

16.A vegetarian, carefully watched his diet.

17.Burnt steak with ketchup his favorite dish.

18.Twice decorated for military bravery.

19.Received a medical deferment from military service for bone spurs in his feet as a result of a letter written by a doctor as a favor to his father.

20.Said about Jews, “The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day. Those are the kind of people I want counting my money. No one else.”

21.Described Nazis who chanted, “Jews will not replace us,” as “fine people.”

22.Wrote his own book.

23.Had a ghostwriter for his book.

24.Had a library of 16,000 books that included Shakespeare, Cervantes and Ibsen.

25.Had a copy of Hitler’s collected speeches by his bed and said, “He did a lot of good things.”

26.Woody Guthrie wrote a song about him entitled “Tear the Fascists Down.”

27.Woody Guthrie wrote a song about his father with lyrics that he “knows just how much racial hate/ He stirred up in that bloodpot of human hearts.”

28.Thought of himself as a builder and architect.

29.Thought of himself as a builder and destroyed historic architecture.

30.Claimed internal enemies stabbed the country in the back.

31.Never won a majority of the votes in an election

32.Betrayed by his generals.

33.Admired the Russian dictator’s ruthlessness and made a deal with him.

34.Exclaimed “What a guy!” after the Russian dictator purged his former allies.

35.Praised the Russian dictator as “a genius” after he invaded a neighboring country.

36.Called journalists “the lying press” and “the enemy of the people.”

37.Promoted the technique of “The Big Lie.”

38.Promised to make his country “great again.”

39.Promoted ethnic purity and warned against contamination.

40.His media adviser relied on the mass propaganda techniques of filmmaker Leni Riefenstahl.

41.Appeared in “The Triumph of the Will.”

42.Appeared in “Home Alone 2.”

43.Surrounded himself with an inner circle of misfits and criminals.

44.A germophobe.

45.Endorsed quack medicine.

46.Appointed a quack as his personal physician.

47.Sent a bodyguard to raid his doctor’s office to steal his medical files and ignored warnings about infection from a deadly disease.

48.His lawyer was known as “The Butcher of Poland.”

49.His lawyer boasted, “My scare value is high.”

50.One of his closest associates was gay and he had him murdered.

51.One of his closest associates was gay and he fired him when he was dying of AIDS.

52.Deployed private militias against a liberal democracy.

53.Staged a coup to overthrow an elected government.

54.Tried, convicted and imprisoned after a failed coup.

55.Admired by convicted Watergate burglar G. Gordon Liddy.

Answers: 1. Both; 2. Trump; 3. Hitler; 4. Trump; 5. Trump. 6. Trump; 7. Hitler; 8. Trump; 9. Hitler; 10. Trump; 11. Hitler; 12. Trump; 13. Both; 14. Hitler; 15. Trump; 16. Hitler; 17. Trump; 18. Hitler; 19. Trump; 20. Trump; 21. Trump; 22. Hitler; 23. Trump; 24. Hitler; 25. Hitler; 26. Trump; 28. Hitler; 29. Trump; 30. Both; 31. Both; 32. Both; 33. Both; 34. Hitler; 35. Trump; 36. Both; 37. Both; 38. Both; 39. Both; 40. Both; 41. Hitler; 42. Trump; 43. Both; 44. Both; 45. Both; 46. Both; 47. Trump; 48. Hitler; 49. Trump; 50. Hitler; 51. Trump; 52. Both; 53. Both; 54. Hitler; 55. Both

'Master Class': A One-Act Play

'Master Class': A One-Act Play


Donald Trump is poolside at Mar-a-Lago, waving to guests as they go by.

GUEST #1: Mr. President!

TRUMP: See you at the fundraiser for J.D. Vance tonight. Have the steak.

GUEST #2: Stop the steal!

TRUMP: Have the steak!

An aide walks up to inform him he has a telephone call and hands him a cell phone.

AIDE: It’s Kevin McCarthy.

TRUMP: Again? Should I tape it?

He takes the phone.

TRUMP: My Kevin! You should call more.

McCARTHY: So, Mr. President, now they’ve subpoenaed me.

TRUMP: The Academy Award.

McCARTHY: I’m not accepting it.

TRUMP: Don’t go up there and slap them. You tell me, which is worse and which is more dishonest, the Oscars or the Emmys? Should have won the Emmy. A con game. An irrelevant show. Can you believe that The Apprentice lost to The Amazing Race? No credibility. Low ratings. A joke. Should have gotten it. Stolen.

McCARTHY: They want to ask me about what I said on that tape.

TRUMP: Just say it’s fake.

McCARTHY: I did already. When it came out, I said, “The New York Times’ reporting on me is totally false and wrong.”

TRUMP: You’re on the tape saying, “What Trump did is unacceptable. Nobody can defend that and nobody should defend it.” And you told Liz Cheney you were going to tell me to resign. It’s on the tape.

McCARTHY: I told Fox News, “I never told the president to resign.”

TRUMP: And what else?

McCARTHY: I told Fox, “It was a conversation that we had about scenarios going forward.”

TRUMP: Kevin, you know what your problem is?

McCARTHY: But I told Fox, “What was brought to me, it said I called the president to say that – to resign. I never called the president to say ‘resign.’” Now they say I’m a liar.

TRUMP: They only believe you’re telling the truth if you’re lying.

McCARTHY: But I said I never told you to resign.

TRUMP: Don’t kid a kidder. You couldn’t lie your way out of a traffic ticket.

McCARTHY: So, what do you suggest?

TRUMP: You want some lessons, my Kevin? Let’s go to the tape. First thing, you say the New York Times reporting is wrong. Right?

McCARTHY: It’s two New York Times reporters with a tape.

TRUMP: That’s your first mistake. The tape is a phony, it’s fake, it’s made up, somebody forged it, it’s a counterfeit.

McCARTHY: Deny the tape? With my voice on it?

TRUMP: Until they’re willing to say who gave it to them, it’s a fake. And, guess what, they’ll never say where they got it, never name their source. You win, it’s a fake.

McCARTHY: And resign, asking you to resign?

TRUMP: Resign? Nobody was on that call but you and me. You tell me what you said. So, you’re not lying if I say you’re not lying. What do you think I should say? I’m your friend, aren’t I, Kevin? But there are others who are not your friends.

McCARTHY: Liz says she didn’t leak the tape.

TRUMP: Listen, Pollyanna, it’s someone else who wants to put a knife in your back, wants to shove your corpse to the gutter so they can be Speaker. It’s replacement theory. Liz can’t be Speaker. Didn’t you love it when Elise Stefanik blamed the Democrats as “pedo grifters” for the baby formula shortage? A gift for words. A girl after my own heart.

McCARTHY: Are you suggesting Stefanik leaked that tape?

TRUMP: She’s got purity of heart. Not a dropout, like, well, not personal. You know, I like Matt Gaetz. I like Marjorie Taylor Greene. Don’t forget Jim Jordan. He’s subpoenaed, too. No tapes with him so far. But Elise, she went to Harvard. If I were you, Kevin, when I sit down, I’d make sure my back is against the wall. Make sure you can see who’s coming and going.

A guest walks by.

GUEST #3: Let’s go Brandon!

Trump gives a thumbs up.

TRUMP: Get the steak!

McCARTHY: Yeah, I’ll have a steak tonight, rare.

TRUMP: Well done.

McCARTHY: Thanks.

TRUMP: I mean the steak.

McCARTHY: And I’m not going to testify.

TRUMP: If you do, they’ll refer you for perjury.

McCARTHY: Not if I tell the truth—not that I’m testifying.

TRUMP: Nobody believes you’re telling the truth unless you lie all the time. When you lie all the time, that becomes the truth. Then people will believe you. But if you tell the truth and then lie, nobody will ever believe you if you tell the truth, or believe you when you lie. And for the people who don’t believe you, if you lie all the time, they have to say that you think that you’re telling the truth—“on the one hand, on the other hand.” If you get to be “on the other hand,” that’s the truth. The pundits can say “on the one hand,” but if you’re “on the other” you’re just as true. If it’s two truths, you’re still the truth. If you lie all the time, you’re “on the other hand” at the worst, which means that it’s true. Maybe “on the one hand” is true, but maybe it’s a lie, but because of “the other hand” is true. If you lie all the time, that’s the reality, and reality is true, it’s reality, so that’s the truth, but only if you’re lying, that is, all the time.

McCARTHY: I’m trying to follow.

TRUMP: On the one hand, you said something on that tape, and on the other hand you said it’s false. Might be too late for you, my Kevin. Flunked acting. The problem is you have to lie all the time.

McCARTHY: But I am subpoenaed. If I talk and I lie, they’ll say I’m lying. What do I do now?

TRUMP: Don’t talk.

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His Angel ,andAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the fourteenth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, The Exclusive, The Role Model, A Modest Proposal, The Exit Interview, The Hitler Gospel, Father Knows Best,The Gold Medal Winner, All I Want For Christmas Is Melania’s Non-Fungible Token, and Puppet Theater.

'Puppet Theatre': A One-Act Play

'Puppet Theatre': A One-Act Play

Former congressman Devin Nunes, now the chief executive officer of Trump Media and Technology Group, enters Donald Trump’s office at Mar-a-Lago.

NUNES: Ta, da! Triumph!

TRUMP: Yeah, two prosecutors quit from the Manhattan’s DA’s office. A thing of beauty. The new guy doesn’t care. Ha, ha. Those stupid accountants who dropped me, if they’d only waited. Wait this out, that’s the thing. They’ll get lost in the numbers.

NUNES: Yes, Boss. But I mean Truth Social.

TRUMP: They kicked me off Twitter. Now you’re supposed to put them out of business. Get me out of Twitter jail with our own app. Love that instead of tweets it’s going to be “truths.” Retweets, “retruths.” Perfect. Not alternative facts—truths. But—what the fuck?—the launch, thirteen hours outage, 300,000 people couldn’t get on.

NUNES: Yes, Boss. We’re building it from scratch. If you build it, they will come. And up and working, Don, Jr.’s tweet is out there. “Get Ready! Your favorite President will see you soon!” Sorry, I don’t mean tweet. Truth.

TRUMP: Melania won’t even use it to sell the NFT of her eyes and her hat. You’re killing us, Devin.

NUNES: Yes, Boss. But we’re rolling. Big news. I blocked my first account.

TRUMP: Now you’re talking. Block them just like they block us. Who’d you ban, Mitch McConnell? Keep the Old Crow from reaching our base.

NUNES: Check this out. “Your account @DevinNunesCow has been banned.”

TRUMP: Turn him into a Trump Steak. But we need this app to get out of the barnyard. We’ve got a big agenda.

NUNES: Yes, Boss.

TRUMP: We’re finally going to get what we need out of Ukraine. That’s why we need Truth Social, to get the truth out about it. We’re going to get the goods at last. Putin’s a genius, he’s savvy. You know what this invasion is really about, don’t you? I mean, really.

NUNES: No, Boss.

TRUMP: When Putin takes over, we’ll be proven right all along. Putin should have invaded a long time ago. I’d still be president. No question. Ukraine is at the bottom of it all. A lot of it had to do, they say, with Ukraine. It’s very interesting. They have the server, right? From the DNC, Democratic National Committee. The FBI went in, and they told them, ‘Get out of here, we’re not giving it to you.’ They gave the server to CrowdStrike, or whatever it’s called, which is a company owned by a very wealthy Ukrainian, they say he’s not, but I say he is, and I still want to see that server. You know, the FBI has never gotten that server. Deep state, out to get me. That’s a big part of this whole thing. Why did they give it to a Ukrainian company? See, it wasn’t Russia that hacked the DNC. It was Ukraine. And Putin will find that server and deliver it to us. That’s what the word is.

NUNES: Genius.

TRUMP: When we get that server from Ukraine, then after the Republicans get control of the House after the midterms—guess what?—we’ll get that impeachment, the first one, wiped away. I want you to call Jim Jordan.

NUNES: Yes, Boss.

TRUMP: Zelensky, that’s what I asked him, that’s what the phone call was about. That's what I asked actually in my phone call, if you know. I mean I asked it very point blank, because we’re looking for corruption. There’s tremendous corruption. We're looking for—why should we be giving hundreds of millions of dollars to countries when there’s this kind of corruption? I asked for the server. And the investigation into Biden. I would like you to do us a favor. Perfect phone call.

NUNES: Yes, Boss.

TRUMP: If Zelensky had done the right thing, Biden would have been toast. Election, easy. No January 6th. No second impeachment. We’d have had the server. No first impeachment. Zelensky caused all this trouble. Zelensky didn’t cooperate. Now Putin will deal with him. Putin knows what Zelensky did. Zelensky will have to answer to Putin for what he did to me. Perfect phone call.

NUNES: When do we get the server, Boss?

TRUMP: It’s there. It’s in Kyiv. Some basement. Once Putin gets there, he’ll get it. And all the information on Biden is there. Promise. You’ll see, Rudy will be off the hook. Sent him to Ukraine to get the proof on Biden. If Putin gets to it soon enough, we’ll get it to Rudy, and he can bring it to that phony January 6th Committee, and they’ll have to shut down. Putin’s a genius. Stand back and stand by.

NUNES: How will Putin get it to us, Boss?

TRUMP: There’s going to be a new president of Ukraine. Zelensky is a fraud, a hoax. Putin will put in the right guy who should have been there from the start. Maybe Paul Manafort can go back to advise him. The pardon was perfect.

NUNES: Savvy, Boss.

TRUMP: I’ve got it all worked out. The right guy in place, think about this, Trump Tower Kyiv.

NUNES: Perfect.

TRUMP: It begins with the server. And then Biden will be gone like Zelensky. The House will impeach him. Just make that call to Jim Jordan. And we’ll put a stop to all these investigations. Puppet, puppet, who’s the puppet?

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His Angel ,andAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the thirteenth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, The Exclusive, The Role Model, A Modest Proposal, The Exit Interview, The Hitler Gospel, Father Knows Best,The Gold Medal Winner, and All I Want For Christmas Is Melania’s Non-Fungible Token.

All I Want For Christmas Is Melania’s Non-Fungible Token: A One-Act Play

All I Want For Christmas Is Melania’s Non-Fungible Token: A One-Act Play

Melania Trump is speaking on her cell phone from her bedroom at Mar-a-Lago.

MELANIA: I love it, Marc-Antoine. Love is the only word. You are the master, the artist. Your work, your oeuvre, should have its own room at the Louvre. Your Elizabeth Taylor, your Ava Gardner, and this—perfection!

MARC-ANTOINE COULON: Ma chère. Melania, but one has only to paint a few strokes—suddenly, it is your cobalt blue eyes, your eyelashes, your mascara, your eyebrows. It is only you. What do they say? The eyes are the windows to the soul. C’est vrai, ma chère Melania.

MELANIA: What are we charging? One SOL, one Solana blockchain for the non-fungible token, which comes to $182.54.

MARC-ANTOINE: I am honored to collaborate with you in this operation, ma chère Melania. You are—what is the word?—a philanthropist!

MELANIA: For the foster children, to train them in the computers when the fostering is finished. My Be Best initiative. Think of all the people who will contribute and be on my list.

MARC-ANTOINE: It is your vision.

MELANIA: You were so brilliant to add the audio to the NFT.

MARC-ANTOINE: It is the vision complete. Your beautiful words in your own beautiful voice.

MELANIA: “My vision is…look forward with inspiration, strength, and courage.”

MARC-ANTOINE: Ideal words. The pause is ideal. Then the inspiration.

MELANIA: My vision is… And on the website, “an amulet to inspire.”

MARC-ANTOINE: You evoke Cleopatra. And now we will paint the next. Like Cleopatra. We have made the eyes famous. Now le nez, your nose, in profile, like an Egyptian queen. Immortelle!

MELANIA: One SOL or two?

MARC-ANTOINE: Let us see how we do on the eyes.

MELANIA: I would love to see you do your watercolor of Ivanka’s nose. Two watercolors. Before and after.

MARC-ANTOINE: For that we could charge four SOLs.

MELANIA: And the breasts, before and after?

MARC-ANTOINE: Je pense, cinq SOLs. So naughty, ma chère.

MELANIA: Have you been watching the new series of Sex in the City?

MARC-ANTOINE: Je sais il est votre favori.

MELANIA: So sad. The husband, he is “Big,” he dies.

MARC-ANTOINE: Quelle surprise!

MELANIA: This Carrie goes to a party instead of to the Hamptons with her husband. This “Big” stays home. He rides a Peloton. She returns home, he is lying on the floor, holding his chest. Il est mort. He is dead from the bicycle.MARC-ANTOINE: Quel dommage! Tragique!

MELANIA: That is not the tragedy. His will leaves one million dollars to his first wife. She did not know.

MARC-ANTOINE: Impossible!

MELANIA: No prenup.

MARC-ANTOINE: Incroyable!

MELANIA: Can you imagine that? And this “Big,” the actor who plays this “Big,” he is now accused of the sexual harassments. Can you imagine that?

MARC-ANTOINE: Scandale!

Donald Trump enters the room.

TRUMP: Can you get off the phone with your girlfriend? We have an event to do.

MELANIA: Another?

TRUMP: We’ve brought in $463,000 already for just nine of these. Republican candidates lined up around the block, can’t wait to give us their money hand over fist. Sliding scale. More for the personal appearance, more for the photo-op. And more for you, sweetheart. So, get off, put on those stilettos and do a runway walk for us.

MELANIA: Who is it tonight?

TRUMP: Can’t remember. Mo Brooks, Marco Rubio, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

MELANIA: I’ll be right there, Donald.

TRUMP: I’m going out to mingle and I’ll give you a big hand when you come in like a million dollars and you give us the big smile.

Trump exits.

MELANIA: I must go, Marc-Antoine, to another of the so dull fundraisers. I will be thinking the whole time of your next portrait of me.

MARC-ANTOINE: Le profil, pour la reine. Notre queen! Je t’aime. Au revoir.

MELANIA: Sarah Huckabee Sanders…

MARC-ANTOINE: What is a Huckabee Sanders?

MELANIA: Carrie should have had the prenup. Love you. Bye.

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His Angel ,andAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the twelfth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, The Exclusive, The Role Model, A Modest Proposal, The Exit Interview, The Hitler Gospel, Father Knows Best, and The Gold Medal Winner.

'The Gold Medal Winner': A One-Act Play

'The Gold Medal Winner': A One-Act Play


Donald Trump is in his study at Mar-a-Lago on the telephone.

TRUMP: Marjorie?

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: Mr. President!

TRUMP: Could you speak a little louder?

GREENE: Mr. President!

TRUMP: I called to hear your voice.

GREENE: Kevin McCarthy has me still stripped of my committee assignments.

TRUMP: Terrible, just terrible, but love when you say that. So, remember the last call, when I told you to demand that Kevin strip those nasty Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill of their assignments?

GREENE: Strip them RINOs!

TRUMP: Can’t wait for that cartoon. Loved you in Gosar’s cartoon carrying the big sword.

GREENE: Me and Lauren Boebert, right alongside Paul Gosar. Off with their heads!

TRUMP: You’re my super-heroes.

GREENE: They censured Gosar—stripped him of his committee assignments.

TRUMP: Now he’s almost up there with you. But see how Kevin had to crawl. He promised you and Gosar would get your assignments back if he’s Speaker. He didn’t start out there when he took yours away. He’s moving. Just not on two feet. Crawling.

GREENE: But he made Lauren apologize for that joke about that towelhead Omar being a terrorist with a backpack.

TRUMP: She hit it out of the park.

GREENE: McCarthy made her apologize about Islamophobia.

TRUMP: If you can’t have that phobia, what phobia can you have?

GREENE: Vaccine Nazis! Mask mandates! You know, we can look back at a time in history where people were told to wear a gold star, and they were definitely treated like second class citizens, so much so that they were put in trains and taken to gas chambers in Nazi Germany. And this is exactly the type of abuse that Nancy Pelosi is talking about. This woman is mentally ill.

TRUMP: When I ripped off my mask on the Truman Balcony after returning to the White House after having Covid it was a Clark Kent into Superman moment.

GREENE: Super-hero, Mr. President!

TRUMP: And they jumped all over you about the gold star.

GREENE: The same ones who voted for the infrastructure bill.

TRUMP: First they came for you, then they voted for the infrastructure bill.

GREENE: They made me apologize—and they made me go to the Holocaust Museum. OK, there’s no comparison to the Holocaust. I believe that forced mask and forced vaccines or vaccine passports are a type of discrimination, and I'm very much against that type of discrimination. It’s more like Jim Crow than the Holocaust.

TRUMP: Speaking of Black Lives Matter, that was genius of you and Matt Gaetz to compete about which one of you would hire Kyle Rittenhouse as an intern. Genius.

GREENE: Matt started it.

TRUMP: Kyle, I got to know him a little bit. Really a nice young man. He wanted to know if he could come over and say hello because he was a fan.

GREENE: I went Matt one better. I nominated Rittenhouse for the Congressional Gold Medal.

TRUMP: If that’s not self-defense, nothing is! How can that not be a Gold Medal?

GREENE: I looked it up. George Washington, Winston Churchill, Harry Truman, Jackie Robinson. And--can you believe it--the Capitol Police who supposedly “protected” the Capitol on January 6. So, yeah, Kyle Rittenhouse. Gold Medal, not gold star, Gold Medal.

TRUMP: Think about adding Ashli Babbitt for a Congressional Gold Medal. Truly incredible person. I did a video for her birthday. She just wanted Make Pence to do the right thing. If this happened to the ‘other side,’ there would be riots all over America.

GREENE: Matt wouldn’t get on board with the Gold Medal. He put out a statement: “We are concerned that awarding Kyle with a Congressional Gold Medal will give him a big head during the internship with our office.” Yeah, he’s going to be in my office. We’re going to have to flip a coin.

TRUMP: Keep it all up. It’s working.

GREENE: The apologies? Or the Gold Medal?

TRUMP: Every time Kevin makes you apologize, or Boebert apologizes, or Gosar is censured, he loses. You gain, he loses. It’s all working. The Gold Medal works. Everything you do works. They’re making you the martyr. Everyone’s a martyr. That dead Ashli, that nice Kyle, Gosar with his cartoon, Boebert with her phobia, and you with your Holocaust. And that just means you’re like me because nobody is a bigger martyr. Watch closely. You know why Kevin said he’d get you and Gosar your assignments back? Flop sweat. Fear. Panic. Angst.

GREENE: What’s angst?

TRUMP: It’s your perfume. I can smell it a thousand miles away. Maybe getting Covid even helped my sense of smell.

GREENE: Yeah, own the libs.

TRUMP: It’s really about owning the Republicans. When they crucify you, you’re Jesus. When you’re the martyr, they follow you.

GREENE: Only you’re not Jesus.

TRUMP: The meek do not inherit the earth. Nice guys finish last. Suckers get what they deserve.

GREENE: You have a way with words.

TRUMP: Take Kevin—the more he’s frightened, the more he’s our slave. He knows you’re me. If he makes you a martyr, he gives you power over him. Just because I’m there. You’re my little terrorist. That’s how we are going to keep him as “My Kevin.”

GREENE: But what about Mark Meadows saying you should be Speaker?

TRUMP: Marjorie, sweetheart, that was Mark having a little fun with Kevin. Dance, Kevin, dance. I don’t need to be Speaker to be Speaker. Not when I have you. You win the medal. You’re the Speaker.

GREENE: Mr. President!

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His Angel ,andAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the eleventh in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, The Exclusive, The Role Model, A Modest Proposal, The Exit Interview, The Hitler Gospel, and Father Knows Best.

"Father Knows Best": A One-Act Play

"Father Knows Best": A One-Act Play

"MEDICAL TYRANNY" reads the screaming headline in large red letters behind Tucker Carlson as he broadcasts his show on Fox News.

CARLSON: It's purely about obedience, it's hardly about medicine. More than 150 health care workers in that Houston hospital system were fired just because they wouldn't be vaccinated, so remember that the next time they tell you there's a health care shortage in this country. This is lunacy. We should not go along with it. It has nothing to do with medicine. It is a terrifying precedent that, if we let solidify, we will deeply, deeply regret. This is not about Covid, this is about the existence of rational decision-making in this country and personal autonomy. Most people are going along with this because they are afraid. A few brave souls are not.

He shuffles his papers and puts them aside.

CARLSON: Ta-ta-da, da, da, da da! That's all folks!

VOICE OF PRODUCER: Thanks, Tucker! Another wrap.

CARLSON: Just a couple more weeks from this studio for the season. Love this place. Wish I could spend all my time here. On Bryant Pond. Maine. Bliss. A studio of my own, next to a summer place of my own. All my own.

VOICE: Florida, Tucker.

CARLSON: The studio will be up and running at my Florida house when I get there in September. Live, from Gasparilla Island in Grande Boca! Maine man becomes Florida man!

VOICE: Are we ever going to see you in D.C. or New York again?

CARLSON: Now why would I do that? Would that be quote rational decision-making unquote? Sold the big Washington house for that reason. They'd make me go into the Fox studio on the Hill. Half the technicians aren't vaccinated. It's a leprosy ward. Covid has made all my home studios possible. Who knew before the pandemic you could do this? What a breakthrough! And it's completely safe and sound. I owe this whole setup to Covid. It's a godsend. Plus, a tax write-off.

VOICE: We're all vaccinated now and we even have vaccine passports to get in the building.

CARLSON: I don't trust it. Some of those guys, I know them, would fake the passports. I'm in my studios so long as Lachlan says so.

Carlson leaves his custom studio in the cottage on his property, walks a short distance to his house and as he enters his daughter Hopie greets him.

CARLSON: Hopie!

HOPIE: Daddy, my girlfriends love what you brought me from Hungary. The dolls, the nesting dolls. What do they call them?

CARLSON: Matryoshka dolls. The prime minister Viktor Orban, gave them to me as a gift. And I told him that it had your name on it.

HOPIE: First, there's Putin. Then when you open him, there's Orban. And when you open Orban, there's Donald Trump. And then when you open Trump—surprise!—there's you, Daddy! I love you as a little doll. How did they know to put you inside all of the others?

CARLSON: They made that one in my honor. There's only one of these. It was like a state visit. And during state visits the leaders give each other presents. They always gave Trump paintings of himself. And this was the special gift for me. Only more clever.

HOPIE: Hand painted. It's the old you. With a bow tie.

CARLSON: So, are you almost ready to go back to school? Got all your clothes picked out?

HOPIE: Yes, Daddy.

CARLSON: And your proof of vaccination? I read the student vaccine requirement. "All students who live, learn, or work in person at the University of Virginia during the 2021-2022 academic year must be fully vaccinated." Don't forget your vaccination card.

HOPIE: (Exasperated) Daddy!

CARLSON: I'm just worried about you. I want you to be safe.

Enter Susan Carlson, Tucker's wife and Hopie's mother.

SUSAN: Tucker, there were two calls while you were broadcasting. Lachlan Murdoch and Donald Trump.

CARLSON: Susie, please make sure Hopie has her vaccination card to take to school.

SUSAN: All under control, right Hopie? Come with me, let's pack some more and leave Daddy to make his calls. Tucker, Trump seemed pretty urgent.

CARLSON: I've got to call Lachlan.

Susan and Hopie exit. Carlson punches in a number on his phone.

CARLSON: Lachlan!

LACHLAN: Tucker, so glad you called.

CARLSON: Everything cool down under?

LACHLAN: Swimming with the sharks at Bondi Beach, mate. Just checking in on my numero uno. The show on "Medical Tyranny," brilliant, mate. And brilliant about how we're going to be "invaded" by Afghan refugees. Turned that invasion bit inside out. We're being invaded! Heh, heh.

CARLSON: Heh, heh.

LACHLAN: The numbers remain spectacular, mate. Sky high. I'll take that instead of the woop woop to outer space with Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos. Now, about this Covid stuff, mate…

CARLSON: (Slightly anxious) I should stick with it, don't you think?

LACHLAN: You said there's no new variant killing people, zero chance. You said, Fauci is taking away our liberty, forcing people to take medicine they don't want. You said, college kids shouldn't get the shot, a bigger risk for them than Covid.

CARLSON: Is that a problem?

LACHLAN: It's a bloody beauty. No drama. Good on ya. Put another on the barbie. Keep going to never never. Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Flat out. That's not me blowing smoke up your ass. The numbers never lie. You're Braveheart.

CARLSON: I'll ramp it up on Fauciism. How's Rupert? Where is he these days, London, Sydney, New York?

LACHLAN: When the Delta variant hit, Dad got the booster and went back to Bel Air in L.A., like he did in the first wave after he got an early shot. It's a world in itself there. The house is on the Moraga Vineyards, fourteen acres in the middle of Bel Air, up in the Santa Monica Mountains. Once owned by Victor Fleming, directed Gone With The Wind and The Wizard of Oz. Now who's the wizard from Oz? Makes ace wine. I'll ship you a case or two. Red or white?

CARLSON: Mix it up.

LACHLAN: Two cases of each. Make it three.

CARLSON: Send it to the Florida address.

LACHLAN: And I'm sending you a doctor to give you a booster to go along with the cabernet. Don't say no. You don't have a choice. The wine and the doctor will be there to meet you. Keep it going, mate.

CARLSON: Best to your father.

LACHLAN: Your biggest fan. Catch you later.

Carlson punches another number in his phone.

CARLSON: Mr. President?

TRUMP: Watched your show. Love "Medical Tyranny." How are the numbers? Still a winner, Tucker?

CARLSON: Top of the line, Mr. President.

TRUMP: I was just on Fox Business, told them that the booster sounded like a money-making operation for Pfizer and that the whole thing is just crazy. Why would you need another one? It's the Trump vaccine. It's good for life. I could see the dollar signs in their eyes—of that guy that runs Pfizer. You know, the guy that announced the day after the election that he had the vaccine. But we knew that, and I knew that, and the people knew that. A money-making operation, that's what it is. Yeah, a money-making operation.

CARLSON: You would know.

TRUMP: Who else would know better?

CARLSON: Great work, keep it up. So, what should I know, Mr. President?

TRUMP: I had Dr. Ronny come to Bedminster. Lined up everyone—Ivanka, Jared, Don, Jr., Eric, Lara---bing, bing, bing, bing. Everyone gets the booster. Oh, and that annoying Kimberley. Ivanka didn't want to tell her Dr. Ronny was there. Let her die out on the 9th hole.

CARLSON: Mr. President, what you said about the booster is perfect about the elites against the people.

TRUMP: Before I tell you what I think you should be saying, I want to tell you that you have to get the booster. You're vaccinated, Tucker, not like some poor schmuck, like the guy who wanted a shot when they were putting the ventilator on his face? He's begging, give me the shot and they're telling him it's too late, and they clamp on the ventilator. Please, please, the shot…

CARLSON: Pfizer, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Two shots, but maybe not enough. Booster. Take no chances. Take it and run. You're too valuable. You can knock that Pfizer CEO around like I did. It's a charm. My PAC fundraising, off the charts. You want me to send Dr. Ronny?

CARLSON: That's not necessary, Mr. President. I'm using the Murdoch doctor.

TRUMP: But promise me you'll get it.

CARLSON: I promise.

TRUMP: Father knows best.


Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His Angel ,andAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the tenth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, The Exclusive, The Role Model, A Modest Proposal, The Exit Interview, andThe Hitler Gospel.

"The Exit Interview": A One-Act Play

"The Exit Interview": A One-Act Play

Donald Trump and Jason Miller, his aide, meet in Trump's office at the Trump National Bedminster Golf Club in New Jersey.

TRUMP: Time for the Presidential Daily Brief. Weisselberg show up for work today?

JASON MILLER: Clockwork. Hasn't miss a day. Blue Mercedes, pulled into his spot, Trump Tower private garage. He's at his desk.

TRUMP: And the fake media said I should have had a pet dog. Pence turned on me. He's no Allen Weisselberg. Send someone to wash his car. A nice surprise. He's so grateful for every little thing—the school tuitions, the car, he'll appreciate the car wash.

MILLER: Weisselberg is never late either. Drives himself from Long Island. He's an on-time airline. The daughter-in-law turned. The ex. Bad divorce. Gave Vance a pile of boxes. But Weisselberg is there every morning.

TRUMP: She's out to screw Allen and both sons. Wants her pound of flesh. You could make millions as a bad divorce consultant, Jason.

MILLER: The new social media company I'm setting up will be your new platform.

TRUMP: We'll work on the name. "Make America Something." Fill in the blank for "something." We'll think of it. We got rid of "From the Desk of Donald J. Trump." "Desk" sounded like something from Ikea. Stay tuned. You're the magician. So, here's the question. How do you get away with $500 a month child support? It's magic.

MILLER: Five hundred bucks. That's right.

TRUMP: Let me get this straight on how you did it. It's the night before my last debate in Vegas with Crooked Hillary. I win, of course. You go to a strip club with some reporters and some campaign aide. You knock her up. Your wife is pregnant.

MILLER: I was separated at the time.

TRUMP: I like the talking point. You learn the other woman is pregnant. Two weeks later your wife gives birth. Then the other woman has a baby. Then I read in "Page Six" of the New York Post that you and your wife are quote "excited to welcome" unquote the other woman's baby quote "into our family" unquote. You place the story. "Page Six," my old stomping grounds when I was John Barron. Class act. Then the other woman says it's all "news to me." Do I have this right? She didn't know there'd be a story. And she went to Harvard!

MILLER: Right. Harvard.

TRUMP: And she tweets—I love the tweeting part!—that you didn't send one dollar or even a gift. Smart strategy. But Tucker Carlson sends a gift. The other woman tweets the gift was "very cool." You know what it was?

MILLER: Maybe a signed copy of his book, Ship of Fools.

TRUMP: Should have been The Art of the Deal. The plot thickens. She strikes back. They always do. Some website publishes that you got some stripper pregnant and drugged her and gave her an abortion pill to wash down with a smoothie. And, just like that, no more little Jason, Jr., and the woman almost goes into a coma, no doubt she's faking it.

MILLER: No doubt.

TRUMP: And you sue the website for $100 million. A nice round number. But the judge says it's a quote "fair and true report" unquote. He dismisses your suit. Totally rigged.

MILLER: Totally.

TRUMP: And you appeal. Good move. Then Teneo, that corporate consulting outfit where you worked, fires you for supposedly hiding income to avoid child support.

MILLER: It was mutual consent. They signed me to a consultant contract. Optics.

TRUMP: This is what I'm getting at, you're terrific as a consultant. And CNN fires you as a commentator. Just an excuse. They don't want anyone to defend me.

MILLER: You got that right.

TRUMP: And the other woman drags you for a deposition and they ask about hookers and rub and tug parlors. And you testify they were "Asian themed." And you say, quote, "I know I am an imperfect person and have made a number of mistakes in my life" unquote. Perfect. All purpose. But you lose the appeal. And the court orders you to pay the fake media company $42,000 in expenses. And you threaten some moron blogger who reports that. And that phony Jake Tapper tweets—he tweets!—and I can't even tweet!—and he tweets that you don't pay your child support. And you tweet that he's a quote "fake news pussy" unquote. Love that, but you had me at hello. What kind of smoothie was it?

MILLER: Fruit.

TRUMP: And you hid payments to your consultant firm and another consultant firm you worked for. Am I keeping track of all this?

MILLER: There was also a group Steve Bannon operated, a nonprofit called Citizens for the American Republic.

TRUMP: Like the name. Make America A Republic Again? What do you think? Nah. We'll come up with something else. And you're still only paying $500 a month. You're a genius. There should be a statue of you in my National Garden of American Heroes. That phony Biden revoked it. Would have been as big as Disney World.

MILLER: Founding Fathers, Dr. Seuss, Whittaker Chambers, Bob Hope, Tecumseh, Alex Trebek, Davy Crockett, John Wayne…

TRUMP: Wayne played Crockett at the Alamo. Now they want to cancel the Alamo.

MILLER: Shirley Temple, Paul Revere, Nat King Cole, Julia Child, Humphrey Bogart, Sacagawea…

TRUMP: And Jason Miller.

MILLER: It's an honor just to serve.

TRUMP: Jason, let's bring in your replacement again. A little twirl. She was the host of The War Room, a podcast for Steve Bannon. Should I have given him the pardon? Not grateful enough.

MILLER: Mr. President, I hosted that podcast first, brought her in to replace me there.

TRUMP: She's always replacing you. Your apprentice.

(Enter Liz Harrington, a young blonde woman)

MILLER: Mr. President, Liz Harrington. Liz, tell the president the title of your best article when you wrote for the Washington Free Beacon.

HARRINGTON: "Libs: Sex Change at 9, Vote at 16, No Smoking Until 21." That's intersectionality.

TRUMP: Jason told you there's no smoking here?

HARRINGTON: I don't smoke, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Intersectionality and no smoking, I like that. Liz, who stole the election?

HARRINGTON: Communists.

TRUMP: Correct.

MILLER: (To Trump) Mr. President, see, what did I tell you?

TRUMP: Who won?

HARRINGTON: You did, in a landslide.

TRUMP: How big?

HARRINGTON: Overwhelming.

TRUMP: Also correct. Philadelphia?

HARRINGTON: Stuffed ballots.

TRUMP: Georgia.

HARRINGTON: Stuffed ballots.

TRUMP: Right and right.

HARRINGTON: And underage voters.

TRUMP: Even better. Who's guilty?

HARRINGTON: The real insurrection was the election officials.

TRUMP: She's brilliant.

HARRINGTON: Systemic fraud.

TRUMP: Systemic! Why didn't you think of that, Jason? Intersectionality and systemic. No smoking.

HARRINGTON: I don't smoke, Mr. President.

TRUMP: I'd avoid the smoothies, too. Jason, tell Liz how many books are going to be published about me.

MILLER: Seventeen.

TRUMP: They all got an exclusive. Whatever I say is an exclusive. Doesn't matter what they say, positive, negative. This is a case of all publicity is good publicity. They're all working for me. That's the scoop they won't print. You'll keep it going, Liz. If you're lucky Tucker will send you a very cool gift.

HARRINGTON: I'll get him on the line for you, Mr. President.

TRUMP: A little later. Tomorrow we'll work on the plans for the reinstatement in August.

HARRINGTON: I can't wait for the Arizona audit to show you won.

TRUMP: Just the start.

(Harrington exits)

TRUMP: One more thing, Jason, check to see if Weisselberg came back to the office after his coffee break.

***

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the eighth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, The Exclusive, The Role Model, and A Modest Proposal.

"The Role Model": A One-Act Play

"The Role Model": A One-Act Play


Inside Donald Trump's study at Mar-a-Lago.

JASON MILLER: Mr. President, it's Matt Gaetz calling. Should I put him through? I don't think so.

TRUMP: I've been waiting for his call. And get me a Diet Coke.

(Picks up phone)

TRUMP: Where have you been, Matt? You never write, you never call.

GAETZ: I'm glad Don and Kimberly worked this out. We're such close friends, a real threesome.

TRUMP: No one can accuse her of being seventeen.

GAETZ: Mr. President, you're our greatest president, greatest economy ever, greatest foreign policy, greatest against cancel culture. Remember when I tweeted, "Impeachment is the zenith of cancel culture?" Remember when I called the Democrats' impeachment presentation "an 8th grade book report?"

TRUMP: Was that the first or second?

GAETZ: Second.

GAETZ: The election was a travesty of the cult of cancel culture. First, they came for Dr. Seuss, then they came for Mr. Potato Head. He's going by Potato X. He can't be Mr. Potato, See, to me the whole concept of the Mr. Potato Head was you could move the parts around. Mr. Potato Head was America's first transgender doll and even he got canceled. And then they came for you. You won in a landslide. Biden rigged it on the dead vote, moved around all those dead people.

TRUMP: I only wish I had more defenders like you. You're like a good son.

GAETZ: Like an adopted son. We're both Florida Man. Same place, same family. Florida's like an amazing woman: adventurous, beautiful, mostly sunny, sometimes a little crazy, and always here to encourage and support success. In contrast, New York is like a bad ex-husband. Mean, won't let you go out to dinner. You're less safe. You're spiraling financially downward. And they may kill your grandparents.

TRUMP: Great, great people in The Villages, great retirement community, big vote for me there. Big, big fan of The Villages. Remember how they smeared me because I retweeted a little video of a rally at the The Villages. So, one guy is chanting, "White power!" One guy! Two seconds. It's like when they smeared me because I tweeted I had a "consensual presidency." Consequential!

GAETZ: They love you in Florida. Republicans in Florida would do unspeakable things for the numbers I have with the base. And you have better numbers.

TRUMP: Giant numbers. They couldn't care less about cancel culture. They're vaccinated against it.

GAETZ: I'm your vaccine. That's why I went on Fox News to defend you. And you retweeted the video of that. "President Trump should pardon Flynn, the Thanksgiving turkey, and everyone from himself, to his admin, to Joe Exotic if he has to. The Left has a bloodlust that will only be quenched if they come for those who fought with @realDonaldTrump to deliver for the American people."

TRUMP: "Bloodlust." You've got a way with words. Should have given that blanket pardon. A lot under that blanket. I don't know why I ever listened to those shysters in the White House, not looking out for the president, just plotting about going back to those big jobs in those big, big law firms, you know the kind, rake in the bucks for telling people what not to do to stop them from doing what they should do, telling them what not to say about what they didn't do so they look guilty, and telling them what not to say about what they did do so they can't show they're innocent. Always sending a bill. You're not like them, Matt, you did so much for me, a great, great warrior.

GAETZ: Band of brothers. We did our part over in the House for January 6th.

TRUMP: A lot more than tour guides at the Capitol.

GAETZ: Mr. President, I remember every little thing I did for you, every single thing that group of us in the House did.

TRUMP: I bet maybe your memory is fading about some of that. Believe me. Happens. Can't recall.

GAETZ: So, I was wondering, Mr. President, if you might make a statement for me. I understand about the pardon, but just a statement, a few lines.

TRUMP: You're such a winner, gone to the wall for me. I would want to return a favor. That's the reason I didn't grant you the pardon. Not giving it was the favor. It would have hurt you, thrown a spotlight on you, made you look guilty. No one had heard of anything then. Not me. Never heard. So, pardon, not such a hot idea.

GAETZ: But a statement now…

TRUMP: Been there, done that, take my word. Nobody is accusing you of rape. No pee tape, right? Everybody involved must be happy. I had the beauty pageants, the modeling agency. People are talking about photographs? Are you kidding? Ever see Melania in British GQ? She had a gun, a big gun, a James Bond gun. Bang! But no hula hoop. You still have that picture? The hula hoop photo? So, really, what are we talking about here? You paid for the hotels, the dinners. Sounds like you're a regular gentleman. Am I right? I knew Jeffrey Epstein, you're no Jeffrey Epstein.

GAETZ: That's why I'd like you to offer a character reference.

TRUMP: Why couldn't Tucker remember that dinner with you and the girl? Nothing wrong with a nice dinner. His wife was there, too. She must remember. I bet she does. Tucker can get a little squirrelly. He said I "recklessly encouraged" my followers who protested the stolen election at the Capitol. If Tucker wants to be me, he should choose his words more carefully. He could take a lesson from you.

GAETZ: We could all take lessons from you. We've had "perfect family man" presidents before, after all, and many of those men sold out our country, even if their wives were happy the whole time, We've been lucky to have a president who didn't care for puritanical grandstanding or moralistic preening. America First.

TRUMP: Let me give you some pointers. I could do that. Better than a statement. I've had a lot of experience. I should get paid as a crisis manager consultant. Read me what you put out.

GAETZ: "Matt Gaetz has never paid for sex. Matt Gaetz refutes all the disgusting allegations completely. Matt Gaetz has never ever been on any such websites whatsoever. Matt Gaetz cherishes the relationships in his past and looks forward to marrying the love of his life."

TRUMP: Signed "Matt Gaetz," right? Good branding. Love "the love of his life." What's her name?

GAETZ: Luckey.

TRUMP: No, what's her name?

GAETZ: Luckey, that's her name.

TRUMP: Better be. Now, because I like you like a son I'm going to let you in on the real secret. It's not any statement to the fake media, it's not any tweet, it's not any posting on Facebook, it's not any appearance with Tucker.

GAETZ: The secret? There's a secret? What's the secret?

TRUMP: (Pauses) The fundraising letter.

GAETZ: Do you take Bitcoin?

TRUMP: Maybe I should adopt you.

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the sixth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, Sunset Boulevard, and The Exclusive.

"The Exclusive": A One-Act Play

"The Exclusive": A One-Act Play

"Trump set to do at least 12 book interviews in the coming weeks"

--- Politico, March 17, 2021

Seated on a couch in the ornate Great Room at Mar-a-Lago, designed in the style of a Venetian palace, draped with frescoes and spangled with gold leaf, is the 45th President of the United States. His aide, Jason Miller, approaches, with a bald-headed, bespectacled visitor.

MILLER: Michael Wolff, Mr. President. (Miller exits)

TRUMP: The great Michael Wolff! The mentally deranged author! Fake news! Glad you could come. (Signals for Wolff to sit next to him on the couch)

WOLFF: I really appreciate you agreeing to see me for my book.

TRUMP: An exclusive, Michael. Gave you an interview for the first one, too, and that one was not so nice, but I got to hand it to you, big, big bestseller. How much did you make, ten million, twenty? Do a book about me, sells a million copies. The next one will be your biggest. The first title was great. Fire and Fury. Perfect. I said that. Sold like hotcakes.

WOLFF: It was a good title.

TRUMP: Next one, Siege, not so good. Did I ever say, "Siege?" I don't think so. I bet that didn't sell as well. Am I right?

WOLFF: Not quite as well...

TRUMP: So, what's the next title?

WOLFF: "Landslide."

TRUMP: If it means I won the election, that's the truth. Otherwise, terrible title. Do you want to sell this book? You have to have a title that quotes me. We've done the experiment. First book, quotes me, big, big bestseller. Second book, doesn't quote me, not so much.

WOLFF: What do you suggest?

TRUMP: Call it "The Hoaxes and the Lies."

WOLFF: You want me to call it "The Hoaxes and the Lies?" Are you sure?

TRUMP: It's what I said at my January 6th speech at the rally. "The hoaxes and the lies"—they were using them to steal the vote. Great title. Your other title, I have to be honest, it stinks. Think about it, Michael.

WOLFF: About the election…

(A Mar-a-Lago member walks up to the seated Trump to shake his hand)

MEMBER #1: Mr. President, so good to see you!

TRUMP: I want you to meet the great Michael Wolff. He came to interview me for a book.

MEMBER #1: Nice to meet you.

TRUMP: He doesn't have a title yet. Good to see you, Eli. Enjoy your meal. Order the steak. I always have it well done.

(Member #1 exits)

TRUMP: Gave him a pardon. A regular junior Madoff, running a Ponzi scheme with nursing homes. But, you know what, I'm a kind and merciful kind of guy. Dershowitz was his lawyer. Want to know how merciful I am? Dershowitz wouldn't represent me at the second impeachment and I gave his client a pardon anyway. You think Lincoln would have done that? And how did he end up?

WOLFF: Rudy…

TRUMP: Rudy—you've known Rudy forever—am I right?

WOLFF: I just did a podcast series on Rudy.

TRUMP: He deserves it. I said he had "guts" at my rally. But his girlfriend submitted a bill to me.

WOLFF: Sidney Powell? The lawyer?

TRUMP: Bill Barr, my own attorney general, my lawyer, supposed to be my Roy Cohn, you and everyone else called him that—not Roy. You want an exclusive? Barr said he resigned, fired him. Walked the plank. Roy, very, very good, better than good. In the beginning and middle, very good. In the end, not the same Roy. So maybe Bill Barr was my Roy Cohn—very good, very good, then very bad, much, much worse than Roy at the end when I needed him, when it was showtime. And he didn't have AIDS as an excuse.

WOLFF: The courts…

TRUMP: Brett Kavanaugh, stuck a knife in my back. Another rat. If it hadn't been for me, he'd have been overboard to the sharks. He'd be selling hats today. You remember that hat store on 42nd Street next to the Grand Hyatt, my first big project. Not a bad hat store, if you like hats, not that I ever wear a hat, except the MAGA cap, at the rallies, which is not a hat. Kavanaugh, he needs to be impeached. And I may tell you later in the interview how that's going to happen. By the way, slam dunk, he's gone. Deserves it. Let's see how the rest of the interview goes.

WOLFF: The Proud Boys, the Oath Keepers…

TRUMP: Let me ask you something, Michael. Can you recommend to me a good lawyer?

WOLFF: I know several. In New York? Atlanta? Washington?

TRUMP: One that doesn't require a retainer in advance.

(Jason Miller walks up accompanying a new visitor)

TRUMP: (Shouts) Maggie!

MILLER: You next appointment showed up a little early, but I thought you'd like to greet her.

(Another member of Mar a Lago suddenly approaches)

MEMBER #2: Mr. President, sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to say how good it is to see you.

TRUMP: Jimmy, a pleasure. Let me introduce you to the great Michael Wolff and the great Maggie Haberman. A twofer!

MEMBER #2: You're our president.

TRUMP: God bless you, Jimmy. You give to the PAC?

MEMBER #2: Big time.

TRUMP: Order the steak. Get it well done.

(Member #2 exits)

TRUMP: Jimmy, great guy, a tiny, tiny tax issue. Clemency. Great guy.

WOLFF: Our interview…

TRUMP: Michael, take just a little break while I talk to Maggie. Get yourself some lunch, sit by the pool, stick around, have dinner with me and Melania tonight, what do you say to that? And think about what I asked you.

(Miller leads Wolff off)

HABERMAN: Mr. President, I appreciate that you've agreed to an interview for my book.

TRUMP: What's the title? Not "Landslide?"

HABERMAN: Untitled.

TRUMP: Not much of a title. How about "The Hoaxes and the Lies?"

HABERMAN: Really?

TRUMP: I said that. That's how they stole it. That's a bestseller. I read a report about your book. "Definitive." "Instant classic." It says you will "draw on a unique and extensive network of sources." Maggie, you know there's only one unique source. That's why they use the word "unique."

HABERMAN: That's why I came.

TRUMP: I have an exclusive for you. You ready? Bill Barr. But first I have a question. Can you recommend to me a good lawyer?

The End

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the fifh in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, Ivanka's Choice, and Sunset Boulevard.

"Sunset Boulevard": A One-Act Play

"Sunset Boulevard": A One-Act Play

The 45th President of the United States is in his gilded study at Mar-a-Lago with his loyal aide Jason Miller.

JASON MILLER: Mr. President, your lawyers are on the line.

DONALD TRUMP: I fired them, tried to gyp me on the expenses.

MILLER: Not those lawyers, your other lawyers. The new ones.

TRUMP: Put them on hold.

MILLER: It's about testifying in your second impeachment trial.

TRUMP: Could be a big cameo.

MILLER: What should I say?

TRUMP: Who cares?

MILLER: Oh, Mike Pence left a message.

TRUMP: Schlong Mike Pence!

MILLER: There's this letter from the disciplinary committee of the Screen Actors Guild and the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists about revoking your membership. I'm not going to answer.

TRUMP: Are you kidding? This is the greatest opportunity to remind them who's the biggest star. Get YouTube up. Let's decide which are the best cameos.

Miller clicks on YouTube on his computer.

TRUMP: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Hey, there's Marla with me! Watch, the kid Carlton says, "It's the Donald! Oh my God!" See, he faints. And the mother says to me, "You look much richer in person." Definitely put that one in.

MILLER: A classic.

TRUMP: Sex and the City. Watch how Miranda looks at me in a restaurant where I'm making a big real estate deal. But she doesn't come on to me. Leave it out. How about The Little Rascals? I'm playing a guy named Waldo Johnston II, and I'm talking to my son, Waldo Johnston III, and I say, "Waldo, you're the best son money can buy." That one goes in. How about Suddenly Susan?

Miller taps the video link.

TRUMP: Whoa! How about this line I have? "Make it snappy, I've got a plane to catch." Great line, or what? Then, yeah, here it is, they unveil a new magazine to show me." "We've created a magazine. We give you Skazzy." And how do you like that cover of me: "Our Next President?"

MILLER: That one goes in?

TRUMP: Nah, I am president.

MILLER: Next, Zoolander.

TRUMP: The best. Hey, there's Melania with me! Listen to my line. "Look, without Zoolander male modeling wouldn't be what it is today." That one is a keeper.

MILLER: Should we see the most famous?

Miller hits the link.

TRUMP: Home Alone 2! Here comes the kid lost in the Plaza. He doesn't know who I am. He doesn't know I own the Plaza. "Where's the lobby?" Here's my line: "Down the hall and to the left."

MILLER: Ready? Here it comes—Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.

TRUMP: Maybe my ultimate best. I walk into a barber shop. Michael Douglas is Gordon Gekko. He's getting his hair cut. "Hey, is this the one and only Gordon Gekko?" I say. And he says, "Hey, Donald." And I say, "This is a great place to get a haircut." And he says, "I love this place. I've been coming since the Eighties." And I say, "The Eighties are no longer, Gordo. How's life, Gordo?" But, guess what, my biggest part ever maybe, I gave them my conditions—don't touch the hair, golden lighting. And they cut the scene! But I had a copy of the scene, put it out in a DVD, so it counts. Put it in.

MILLER: And the letter?

TRUMP: Take this down: "I write to you today regarding the so-called Disciplinary Committee hearing aimed at revoking my union membership. Who cares! While I'm not familiar with your work, I'm very proud of my work on movies…" And put in Home Alone 2, Zoolander and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. "…and television shows…" Put in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Saturday Night Live, and of course, one of the most successful shows in television history, The Apprentice – to name just a few!"

MILLER: Perfect. And the close?

TRUMP: "You have done nothing for me."

MILLER: Perfect.

TRUMP: This is my most important document before that impeachment trial. Reminds everybody. I am big. It's the pictures that got small.

The phone rings. Miller picks it up, listens, hangs up.

MILLER: Mr. President, you won't believe this, but Kevin McCarthy is here again. Where should I tell him to wait?

TRUMP: Down the hall and to the left.

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play, This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. This is the fourth in his "Trump Cycle" series of one-act plays published in The National Memo, including The Pardon, Epstein's Ghost, and Ivanka's Choice.

"Ivanka's Choice": A Morality Play In One Act

"Ivanka's Choice": A Morality Play In One Act


Scene 1: The Kushner home in the tony Kalorama neighborhood of Washington. Cardboard boxes lie around the living room. The shelves are bare.

IVANKA: Daddy was so sure about Mike Pence. It was all going to go so smoothly. And I can't stand that Kimberley for another minute. Did you see her in the tent before the rally? Dancing to "Gloria." Hate that song.

JARED: I tried to convince him to tell those people to stop. He was watching it on TV upstairs. It took hours.

IVANKA: I know you did, honey. I know you tried.

JARED: We both tried.

IVANKA: Both of us. We're such a good team. Did the Secret Service tell you when the moving van is coming?

JARED: Soon, darling.

IVANKA: I can't believe how Daddy got us into this situation. I tweeted that those people were "American patriots" and had to delete it. So embarrassing. They really are worse than deplorable. So low class.

JARED: That's not your fault. All those people who quit should look to you as an example. Speaking of classy. Stephanie Grisham? Really, can you believe the ingratitude? You heard what my father said: Your father is "beyond our control." We did our best. We all did. We'll all keep trying.

IVANKA: I'm glad you had your father say that. But don't tell Daddy I said that. It was good that Daddy gave your father that pardon before, dear. But is it enough to help us? Your father saying "beyond our control," does "our" include me, even after the tweet?

JARED: Always includes you.

IVANKA: Everything was set up perfectly for my Senate campaign in Florida. Then this. There's no problem with the Israeli and Emirati loans that you arranged for the business, right?

JARED: Whatever else happens, don't worry, I've done it all.

IVANKA: I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for the dedication of the courtyard at the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem. The Kushner Garden of Peace. So proud of you.

JARED: It includes you, sweetheart.

IVANKA: Don't you think I can still run in Florida? Little Marco, not so loyal to Daddy. Won't be forgiven. Did you call Brad? I can't believe that meltdown he had. No shirt on the street? Did his wife really need to call the police? We picked up his electronics, right? He can still run the campaign?

JARED: Maybe pay him for some data piece of it. How much did he get from your father's campaign before he blew up? I had to remove him after that rally in Tulsa where no one showed.

IVANKA: Daddy was so angry.

JARED: Nobody in the media even talks about how those K-Pop TikTok fans gamed the tickets. Probably cost us the election.

IVANKA: Brad's arrest, so trashy. All those cars and condos he bought with our money. But you've called him, right?

JARED: Don't worry, the base in Florida is under our control. Why shouldn't you win? Rubio is such a little ingrate.

IVANKA: When I'm a senator, this will all be behind us. I'll be Hillary. And Daddy will have his library. Did you speak to MBS about that library contribution?

JARED: I'm doing everything, it's all taken care of.

IVANKA: I can always count on you, honey. Just amazing. In the library there should be a whole exhibit devoted to everything you've done. More than a garden in a courtyard.

A Secret Service Agent enters:

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Sorry to interrupt, but the van is here. I wonder if I could use the bathroom for a moment.

Scene 2: Office of the Manhattan District Attorney, One Hogan Place, New York City

CYRUS VANCE, JR.: Thank you for appearing here today, Mrs. Kushner. I want to be completely transparent with you and present you with your options.

IVANKA: Nice to see you again, Cy.

VANCE: As you know, in 2012 a case was assembled by the Major Economic Crimes Bureau of this office that you and your brother Donald Trump, Jr. had misled prospective buyers of units in the Trump Soho hotel and condo development, inflating financial figures to lure those buyers. We had dozens of emails as evidence. One witness said there was "no doubt" that you and your brother "approved, knew of, agreed to, and intentionally inflated the numbers to make more sales," and "They knew it was wrong." Your attorney argued that you had exaggerated the numbers but had done nothing illegal. I decided that it was not beyond a reasonable doubt that a crime had been committed, and the case was dropped.

IVANKA: You did the right thing.

VANCE: We have a new situation. In reviewing your father's tax returns serious questions have emerged about your role in a variety of projects. I can tell you that there is no reasonable doubt about your involvement and jeopardy.

IVANKA: Jeopardy? What is this, a game show?

VANCE: It's "Let's Make A Deal."

IVANKA: Making fun of The Art of the Deal. Not funny, Cy.

VANCE: I would prefer that you were a witness rather than indicted.

IVANKA: This is Soho all over again. It's nothing.

VANCE: I would not like to have you do a perp walk. So, here's the deal—I will grant you immunity in exchange for your testimony.

IVANKA: We're talking here about transactional immunity, not limited use.

VANCE: You drive a hard bargain.

IVANKA: I am my father's daughter.

VANCE: You must make a choice. You must provide testimony against either your father or your husband.

IVANKA: How is Jared part of this?

VANCE: Our probe has expanded. Your father or your husband.

IVANKA: What about Melania?

VANCE: She is not a subject of my investigation. The 2017 inaugural committee financial irregularities are being investigated by the U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia. Your father or your husband.

IVANKA: That's so outrageous, Cy. I'm so disappointed in you.

VANCE: You must decide now.

IVANKA: You know my heart belongs to Daddy.

Scene 3. The Kushner home on Indian Creek Island in Florida. Ivanka enters. Jared embraces her.

JARED: Guess what? I have a surprise for you. Brad's here to discuss your campaign.

IVANKA: Shabbat shalom.

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play, This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks. He is also the author of Epstein's Ghost and The Pardon, both one-act plays published previously here.

"Epstein's Ghost": A Play In One Act

"Epstein's Ghost": A Play In One Act

Scene 1: The study off the Oval Office. January 19, 2021, 11 p.m.

Trump is alone, gazing at a print called "The Republican Club," showing him as the center of attention of past Republican presidents while they play cards.

TRUMP: I'll have that picture packed up in the morning. The best. Hang it in my presidential library. Sell it at the gift shop. What's Lincoln drinking? They say he was a teetotaler. Looks like a beer. I bet he sneaked a beer. The artist got everything right. I'm drinking a Diet Coke. Lincoln couldn't stop the Civil War. I didn't have a civil war. That thing at the Capitol? A big little nothing. Lincoln couldn't carry Texas. I carried it twice. His wife held seances. They spoke to ghosts. Robert E. Lee drove Lincoln crazy.

Scene 2. The Lincoln Bedroom. Midnight.

Trump is in his pajamas, wearing a bathrobe, sitting up in bed, with a channel changer in his hand, surfing between three TV screens, showing Fox News, Newsmax and the One America Network.

TRUMP: Never spent a night in the Lincoln Bedroom. Creepy. But it's my last chance. (Calls out.) Melania? Gone to her bedroom. We're up at five in the morning to get to Andrews for the big sendoff, twenty-one gun salute, big rally when we land in Florida, beginning of the comeback. (Calls out again.) Melania? Nothing. I'll tweet out my Farewell Address. (He reaches for his cell phone, starts writing.) "My fellow…" God damn it, nothing. Schmucks cut off my twitter. Lorena Bobbitt, Hillary, Kamala. (Calls out.) Miller! Stephen! Stephen Miller! Jason! Jason Miller! (Waits a second.) Nothing. Nobody there.

(Trump feels a slight breeze and a chill, and hears the rustle of something moving. He wraps his bathrobe tighter. Before him stands a familiar figure, with a long trailing orange sheet wrapped around his neck.)

TRUMP: Jeffrey!

JEFFREY EPSTEIN: You don't believe in ghosts, do you?

TRUMP: How long have you been dead?

EPSTEIN: Five hundred and twenty-eight days to be exact.

TRUMP: Didn't see it coming, did you? You can take that sheet off your neck now. You used to be a better dresser.

EPSTEIN: You're the only one who can see me now.

TRUMP: You must have come for a reason. What do you want from me?

EPSTEIN: Too late for a pardon.

TRUMP: I liked you a lot better than a lot of the people I gave pardons. You sure you don't want anything? (Epstein shakes his head.) All right, have it your way. But don't go anywhere. I could use some company. I just have to give my last presidential order. (Trump picks up the White House phone.)

WHITE HOUSE OPERATOR: Mr. President…

TRUMP: Double cheeseburger, fries and a Diet Coke. (He hangs up.)

EPSTEIN: I've lost my appetite.

TRUMP: Take a chair. Take off that sheet. There's no evidence you exist, Jeffrey, you know that.

EPSTEIN: Evidence? You remember those photographs we took with the girls? They were in my safe at East 91st Street. When the FBI raided they took everything.

TRUMP: You never had much time to talk. I guess you can talk now. So, tell me, what's it like on the other side?

EPSTEIN: Every day I go to your mansion at Mar-a-Lago. You greet me at the door. There's a party going on. The room is filled with a legion of girls, all of them dancing, trying to get our attention. I tell you a joke. You point to one girl and whisper to me, "She's hot." We laugh. Then the cutest of the girls, six of them, come up to me and take me by the hand. They lead me to a room with a massage table. They put a sheet on it, giggle and tell me to take my clothes off. They leave. I lie down on the table. Then nobody ever returns. I just lie there. The next thing I know it's the next day and I'm going to your mansion at Mar-a-Lago. You're at the door. It all happens again exactly the same way.

TRUMP: When you come to my place are you wearing the sheet?

EPSTEIN: Only when I am let out to wander on the wings of the wind.

TRUMP: But why bother me now? No pardon. I don't get it. What's in it for you?

EPSTEIN: I have sat invisible beside you many and many a day. This is the first and last time I will make myself known. A very little more is all that's permitted to me. I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot linger anywhere. My time is nearly gone here, while your time here ticks away. I am here to warn you of your fate. I will be the last to tell you of your chance and hope once you leave this house. It's what I learn over and over again every single day when I visit you at Mar-a-Lago. (Epstein wraps his orange sheet around his neck.)

TRUMP: What is it?

EPSTEIN: There's no happy ending.

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play, This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks.

Jimmy Kimmel, Donald Trump, Mike Pence

"The Pardon": A Play In One Act


Scene 1: The White House. Oval Office. January 19, 2021. 10 a.m.

President Donald Trump is meeting alone with Vice President Mike Pence.

Trump: You heard Mike Flynn? "Massive landslide."

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Bigger than the last one.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: You take out the swing states and I won. But I won the swing states. Statistically impossible to lose. Tremendous cheating. Stolen, rigged, total fraud. All over by 10 o'clock, massive lead. Then the phony ballots. Illegal mail-ins. Fox News calls Arizona. Stab in the back.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: The Venezuelans, yeah, the Venezuelans. Fixed the voting machines. Flipped the votes. Giant hoax. Hundreds and hundreds of affidavits. Rudy proved it. What was with that cheap hair job? He should have asked me. I would have recommended my guy. Always perfect. Rudy asked me for a pardon, should have asked about the hair.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: You have to look presidential. I'm more presidential than anyone except maybe Abraham Lincoln with the hat. You think I'm going to wear a hat like that? Or a beard? If Rudy had a beard what do you think, good, bad?

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Nobody's been treated worse than Lincoln except me. Nobody since Lincoln did more for black people than me.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: My hand is tired from signing pardons. Every single one of those clients of Alan Dershowitz. Quote "defrauding investors" unquote. Quote "massive government corruption" unquote. Fake and fake. Pardoned!

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Dershowitz used to have a big Mexican moustache when he was with OJ. I forget, does Dershowitz have a beard now?

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Maybe not.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: When you're a president you can pardon anyone. I don't even wait. Roger Stone—loyal, scum, but loyal. Good dresser. He shut up. Mike Flynn—good guy. He shut up. A soldier. Manafort—hardly knew him. He shut up. That Elliott Broidy—putz. A pardon wouldn't shut him up, immunity deal. Michael Cohen even put down my fake name as his fake name on his abortion payoff. Nothing for that traitor Cohen.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Firing squad.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: You have to take care of your family. Family values, right, Mike?

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Hannity said pardon every one of them and myself. Don, Jr. If a pardon is what you say it is, I love it. Ivanka. Could have been my VP. Smart, beautiful, everybody loves her. But stuck with you, Mike.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Jared, too. Package deal. And Melania! Angry woman from the inauguration committee blabbing to a grand jury. Some friend, broke the non-disclosure agreement. Said Melania called Ivanka "Princess." Did you know I called my yacht "Princess?"

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: The lawyers said I couldn't pardon myself during the impeachment. The president… (reading from a piece of paper he's picked up from his desk, words written in bold Sharpie) "…shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offenses against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment."

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Did you know Gerald Ford pardoned Tokyo Rose? Talk about shooting someone on Fifth Avenue. Pearl Harbor. Old man Bush, the first one, he pardoned six officials convicted in the Iran-contra scandal. You know who told him he could do that? His attorney general. That's right, William Barr. And they call him my Roy Cohn. But did he ever indict Obama, Hillary, and Biden? Spied on me. Biggest conspiracy in history. Guilty, guilty, and guilty. Now Barr says he hasn't seen any fraud. He says there's no evidence. In a million years never thought he'd be a sellout to the Deep State. Elliott Abrams, running Iran for me. What goes around comes around. Remind me to talk to Abrams about those Venezuelan voting machines. What do you think I should give Tokyo Rose? Maybe ambassador to Japan. Is she alive? And they say I can't pardon myself. As has been stated by numerous top legal scholars, the best, I have the absolute right to pardon myself, but why would I do that when I have done nothing wrong? Nixon was a schmuck not to burn the tapes.

Pence: Yes, sir.

(Enter Melania, cell phone in one hand, a piece of paper in the other. She is wearing her jacket: "I Don't Really Care Do U.")

Melania: At least I don't have do another inauguration. And no more Christmas. (Hands Trump the paper. Exits.)

Trump: A pardon's free, not like a prenup.

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: (Reads from the piece of paper.) Section 3, 25th Amendment. "Whenever the President transmits to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives his written declaration that he is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, and until he transmits to them a written declaration to the contrary, such powers and duties shall be discharged by the Vice President as Acting President." Even though Ivanka should be the next president, maybe should have been vice president, it's going to be you. Not Biden. You're number 46. I'm going to make you president. Sort of like Queen for a Day, remember that show?

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: I've got the papers right here. (He opens a folder on his desk.) I sign the one about unable to discharge and you sign the pardon for me. Do us a favor, though. Then in a New York minute I'm back as president. I'm able to discharge again.

Pence: Mr. President…

Trump: When you sign I'll call you Mr. President, then you can call me Mr. President back again. We never need to leave the Oval Office. But you'll always be number 46 in the history books. Maybe not a library.

Pence: Mr. President, I've discussed this with Mother.

Trump: How is your wife?

Pence: Mother says it's not the best idea.

Trump: So, you're listening to Mother instead of the father of your country?

Pence: Yes, sir.

Trump: Treat me like a dog!

Scene 2: The White House. January 20, 2021. 11:59 a.m.

Trump is alone in the Oval Office, talking on the telephone.

Trump: Thanks, Alan! (Hangs up the telephone, signs a piece of paper. Speaks aloud to himself.) Dershowitz says Roy had only two books in his law office, neither of them law books, a checkbook and a Rolodex. Roy said Dershowitz was a kibitzer. I got him pro bono. The best. Pardoned myself! Got to call Hannity. Should have done this to begin with. Melania warned me that Pence would double-cross me. But she said he'd take it and let me hang out to dry. He could have been president, but he blew it. Mother!

He hears distant noises, the approaching sound of running, then barking, louder and louder. Major and Champion, Joe Biden's German shepherds, bark and growl and scratch at the door.

Trump: (Shouts) McEntee! McEnany!

12:01 p.m.

A Secret Service agent enters through the French doors leading to the Rose Garden. The whir of a waiting helicopter is heard.

Secret Service Agent: Mr. Trump…

Trump: Don't ever talk to the President of the United States that way.

[End]

Sidney Blumenthal, former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, has published three books of a projected five-volume political life of Abraham Lincoln:A Self-Made Man,Wrestling With His AngelandAll the Powers of Earth. His play, This Town, about a scandalous White House dog, was produced in 1995 by LA TheatreWorks.