Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,” The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:

5. Louie Gohmert

Noted Constitutional scholar Louie Gohmert checks in at number five, for his illuminating theory on the separation — or lack thereof — between church and state.

Speaking in a WorldNetDaily-sponsored video, Gohmert attempted to explain that because Thomas Jefferson once attended services at National Statuary Hall (where the House of Representatives once met), he clearly didn’t mean all that stuff he said about the “wall of separation.”

“It was to be a one-way wall, where the state would not dictate to the church,” Gohmert claimed that Jefferson had intended. “But the church would certainly play a role in the state.”

“So, that’s a little different idea than a lot of people have about separation of church and state now,” he added. “Including some of our esteemed Supreme Court, who are not quite as familiar with our history as they probably should be.”

Of course, Gohmert’s history lesson doesn’t account for Jefferson’s complicated relationship with religion, or for Article Six of the Constitution (which states that “no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States”).

Perhaps John F. Kennedy’s famous 1960 speech to the Baptist ministers in Houston could explain that to Gohmert — but we wouldn’t want him to get nauseous.

H/t: Raw Story

4. Allen West

Former congressman and genuine crazy person Allen West checks in at number four, for winning the Fox News race to blame the Fort Hood shooting on President Obama.

During a Tuesday night appearance on Hannity, Colonel West explained that the tragedy could have been prevented — if only Obama had been tougher on Vladimir Putin!

“We have a civilian leaderhsip that does not want to recognize that the enemy exists,” West explained. “You look at what is happening in the Crimea when the president says that Vladimir Putin is operating from a position of weakness. So if you don’t want to admit that there’s evil, if you don’t want to admit that there’s an enemy, then you don’t have the right type of security protocols in place.”

And if anyone knows about the right type of security protocols, it’s the guy who needs a Post-It note to remind him that his computer password is “allenwest.”
3. Gordon Klingenschmitt And The El Paso County GOP

Thursday was a pretty standard day for Gordon Klingenschmitt, who used his “Pray in Jesus’ Name” program to remind his viewers that gay people are evil.

“I’m not saying — let me be clear about this — that gay couples always abuse children. Of course not,” Klingenschmitt began. He probably should’ve stopped there.

“Even if a child is not physically abused,” he continued, “what’s the next worst thing you can do to a child? It’s to take away their mother.”

“In the case of homosexual couples who get ‘married,’ so to speak,” he added, “and then they adopt children, even if they never physically harm those children, they are taking away that child’s right to a mother, or maybe they’re taking away that child’s right to a father. And that, in my opinion, is also abusive.”

Klingenschmitt’s sentiment, while perfectly horrible, is relatively bland coming from a man who once warned that militant gays will kick you out of your house to have sex in it.

Indeed, the real crazies this week were the delegates at the El Paso County Republican Assembly. Klingenschmitt, who is running for the state House in Colorado, won 71 percent (!) of their votes on Saturday, cementing him as the frontrunner for the seat in the state’s conservative 15th district. He is expected to face Dave Williams in a primary election.
2. Pat Robertson

It was a busy week for televangelist Pat Robertson, who returns to the list at number two.

On Monday, Robertson was joined by Jack Abramoff-linked Rabbi Daniel Lapin for a discussion of why Jews are so good at making money.

“What is it about Jewish people that make them prosper financially? You almost never find Jews tinkering with their cars on the weekends or mowing their lawns,” Robertson said while introducing his guest.

He later suggested that Jews are just too busy “polishing diamonds, not fixing cars.”

On Tuesday, Robertson’s show featured a segment from Christian Broadcast Network reporter Daniel Hurd, who compared Sweden’s social democracy to the Soviet Union and North Korea (without all the mass killings).

And finally, on Thursday, Robertson warned that credit cards are Satanic.

“We’re going into some strange world, ladies and gentlemen,” Robertson declared. “The pros — the people who are in charge — find that paying cash is an annoyance, and they want everything on your cards. And they want it all by computer.”

“I hate to tell you, but it’s coming. Because it is a control thing. And Satan wants to control the lives of all the world,” he continued. “He wants to be God, he wants to be worshipped as God. And he wants to have control over everybody, and that’s how it will be done. It’s a shame…can’t buy, can’t sell without the Mark of the Beast.”

So before you spend your next paycheck at the Christian Broadcast Network’s well-stocked online store, remember: Satan is watching.
1. Glenn Beck

Plenty of Republicans are upset about the Affordable Care Act cracking 7 million enrollments this week, but none were more disturbed than this week’s “winner,” Glenn Beck.

Beck was set off by President Obama’s triumphant speech lauding the law’s successful open enrollment period.

“This guy, you put him in a military uniform, I’m not kidding you, you put him on a balcony in a military uniform, this guy is a full-fledged dictator,” Beck raged.

After criticizing the “rat bastards” in the media for allowing Obama to get away with his outrageous lies, and repeatedly calling the president a “sociopath,” Beck really snapped.

“I’m not going to pay attention to these people anymore,” he later declared. “I’m not going to waste my life. I’m going to do what I was born to do.”

“All men were created equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, among them life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!” Beck shouted near the end of his rant. “I have a right to pursue my happiness! I have a right to do what I was born to do!”

“My state of mind is great,” Beck said calmly at the end of his rant. “Because I’ve had enough.”

Trust us, Glenn: So have we.

Check out previous editions of This Week In Crazy here. Think we missed something? Let us know in the comments!