Welcome to “This Week In Crazy,”  The National Memo’s weekly update on the wildest attacks, conspiracy theories, and other loony behavior from the increasingly unhinged right wing. Starting with number five:

5. Ann Coulter

Gage Skidmore via Flickr

Have you enjoyed the United States’ thrilling run into the knockout stage of the World Cup?

If so, you are ruining America.

That’s the newest hot take from right-wing commentator Ann Coulter, who used her latest column to troll American soccer fans for contributing to “the nation’s moral decay.”

Coulter’s rambling argument lists several reasons for hating soccer, including:

• There’s too much teamwork, meaning that in case of a bad play, “no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised.”
• Women can play soccer, too (“No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level,” Coulter sniffs).
• It’s so dull that “if Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.”
• You can’t use your hands, making soccer players no better than animals (“What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs,” Coulter reminds us).
• Liberals like it, just like they enjoy “HBO’s ‘Girls,’ light-rail, Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton.”

But Coulter’s primary reason to hate soccer is a lot more simple and predictable: “It’s foreign.”

“If more ‘Americans’ are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law,” Coulter writes. “I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”

So just to review: Soccer bad, Ted Kennedy bad, foreigners especially bad (unless they happen to be from Russia).

4. Nassau County Republican Party

Bruce Kennedy, the mayor of Sea Cliff, New York, thought that he had a clear path to the GOP nomination in the New York State Assembly’s 13th district; after all, he had the backing of the Nassau County Republican Party. But that was before it found out that Kennedy had committed an apparently unforgivable sin: officiating at a same-sex marriage.

As CBS New York reported, during an interview with Conservative Party leaders, Kennedy was asked if he had ever performed a same-sex marriage ceremony.

“I raised my right hand when I took the oath of office, and I swore to uphold the Constitution and the laws of the state of New York,” he replied.

That was enough for the Conservative Party to cut ties with him — and the Republican Party quickly followed suit, saying it wanted a unified ticket.

“I don’t care what the law is,” Nassau County Conservative Party Chairman Daniel Donovan Jr. explained to CBS New York. “The law doesn’t mean anything to the Conservative Party. We believe in the law of God. That’s it.”

“We live and die by [social issues], and he died by it,” he added.

That should trouble other Nassau County Republicans, many of whom violate the law of God on a daily basis. But at least they now know that they can’t work on the Sabbath, shave their beards, or enjoy Long Island’s famous seafood if they hope to win a GOP primary.

3. Colorado Republicans

Screenshot: YouTube

Longtime This Week In Crazy readers know that demon-obsessed homophobe Gordon Klingenschmitt is one of the most unhinged political figures that America has to offer. But now we know of 3,472 people who may be even crazier: The El Paso County Republicans who voted for Klingenschmitt to represent them in Colorado’s state legislature.

Klingenschmitt won the Republican nomination for state house in Colorado’s 15th district on Tuesday, defeating opponent Dave Williams 53 to 47 percent.

By voting for Klingenschmitt, are Republicans endorsing his theories about mind rape, mandatory pedophilia, and militant gays? Probably not, or least not intentionally. But still, they should know that their new standard bearer is more worried about making sure that men stand up when they pee than he is about the tax code.

At least Klingenschmitt won’t be trying Etch-a-Sketch away his crazy views. He was his usual, insane self on primary day, warning Americans that thanks to President Obama’s “demonic spirit of persecution,” “we’re being denied access to 28 million jobs now being given favoritism [sic] to people because of the way they have perverse sex.”

2. ALIPAC

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

The Republican majority in the House of Representatives has already done a pretty good job of killing any hope of passing a comprehensive immigration reform bill. But just in case “amnesty” needs another shove off the ledge, the Americans for Legal Immigration PAC (ALIPAC), is here with the solution: Send your soiled underwear to President Obama.

As Think Progressexplains, ALIPAC president William Gheen was not happy about the Department of Homeland Security’s bid solicitation for 42,000 pairs of underwear for undocumented immigrants currently being held in detention facilities across the country. But instead of easing the problem by fixing the broken immigration system, Gheen offered a different suggestion: the “Underwear for Illegals” program!

“Obama and Boehner have proven once and for all that their talk of passing immigration reform amnesty, instead of enforcing America’s existing border and immigration laws, only brings more unwanted and destructive illegal immigration!” Gheen wrote on the ALIPAC website. “Instead of using our tax money to buy illegals 42,000 pairs of new underwear, we would like to send the illegals and DC politicians a message by mailing them our used underwear, and some of our pairs are in really bad shape due to the bad economy and all of the jobs illegal immigrants are taking from Americans.”

This isn’t the first strange idea to come from Gheen and ALIPAC, which the Southern Poverty Law Center classifies as an anti-immigrant hate group. In fact, as Raw Story’s David Ferguson points out, they are so extreme that Jim Gilchrist — the founder of the ultra-right-wing “Minutemen” border patrol group — considers them to be “incurable racists.”

But that still hasn’t stopped Tea Party candidates from seeking Gheen’s endorsement. Because, as Chris McDaniel recently taught us, why use a dogwhistle when you can blast an air-raid siren?

1. Keith Ablow

As improbable as it may seem, Ann Coulter’s extended rant wasn’t the craziest take on the World Cup this week. That honor goes to this week’s “winner,” quack doctor Keith Ablow.

During an appearance on Fox News’ Outnumbered, Ablow suggested that the World Cup is actually just the latest in a long list of ways that President Obama has tried to distract the public from his “scandals.”

“I am suspect because, here’s the thing,” Ablow said. “Why, at a time when there are so many national and international issues of such prominence…I’m a little suspicious of yet another bread-and-circus routine. Let’s roll out the marijuana, pull back the laws, and get people even more crazy about yet another entertainment event.”

“This is a way to distract people,” Ablow insisted. “This is like Rome. I can see why Obama would love the World Cup…I think it’s interesting that at a time when there’s so much to pay attention to of such great import, people are playing games more than ever.”

Ablow’s conspiracy theory was too crazy for even the ladies of Fox News, who responded by asking “What are you talking about?” and “What’s wrong with you?”

When you can’t get the hosts of Outnumbered to agree with your #Benghazi conspiracy, you know you’ve gone too far.

And sadly, Ablow’s World Cup conspiracy may not have even been his stupidest moment of the episode.

Check out previous editions of This Week In Crazy here. Think we missed something? Let us know in the comments!

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